Out Of Context
by CSI Dork
Summary: A CSI is used to seeing dead bodies but what happens when they are the one who finds it? Greg deals with the demons whilst Grissom remains oblivious. Part Two now added
1. Chapter 1

_A/N - o.k, here is my third offering. I had a random hour last night whereI just threw this idea together. Not a lot to say about it really LOL. Just read it and enjoy it (hopefully). Please read and review as I have tried to do this one a little differently this time. _

_This story is written from Greg's point of view and flashes back in places but I think it's pretty obvious where that happens._

_As usual characters are not mine but story is._

_Anyway read on..._

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**Out of context**

**© CSI Dork 2005 **

I woke up in a cold sweat at three this morning. It was kind of strange not sleeping in the daytime. Damn Grissom, making me go home.

'You can't stay here, you're a liability Greg,' he'd said in his usual paternally condescending tone.

'But I need to do this,' I'd protested to no avail.

'Do what Greg? Mess everything up? You've already contaminated two pieces of evidence. If you can't focus – go home!' the paternal tone in his voice rising slightly to an authoritative threat suggesting I was not going to win this argument and that the conversation was over anyway.

Like going home could make me focus after what had happened tonight! It's crazy, you'd think being a CSI I'd be used to seeing dead bodies. But it seems so different when you're the one discovering it for the first time. It's so different stumbling across what you don't expect to see. No yellow tape, no police lights flashing into the night, their blue beacons attracting interest from the neighbours who were barely aware of the victim's existence, let alone cared for it. Somehow, I only realised tonight that the usual ruckus of a police presence at a crime scene was bizarrely comforting; like a safety blanket. Maybe it's coming face to face with your worst nightmare all battered and torn, blood adorning clammy grey skin thats makes you realise you are no different to every other human being out there. Experience or no experience.

I'd barely found the strength to call it in. I was so numb I wasn't aware that I was speaking but somehow I know the words were there.

'Grissom, I found a body…'

A body? A body! How could I sound so calm and callous, like this didn't strike any kind of feeling inside me? No hot nausea teasing the back of my throat. No weakening of the leg muscles reducing me to a quivering wreck. Nothing. But inside…inside was a different story.

My mind was racing but still my brain seemed to be communicating something to my body as I began to assess what lay before me. Caucasian female. 29 years old. Dress torn. Signs of struggle. One shoe lying some three feet away like it had tried to flee the scene without it's mistress.

No time for morbid humour now. I watched as the patrol car pulled up giving a screech of it's siren as if announcing it's presence to the neighbourhood. Mission accomplished. The first of the curtain twitchers began to emerge as the cop approached me.

'CSI Sanders?' I heard the voice but didn't respond.

The inquisitive residents were beginning to seriously piss me off. She's not a piece of meat. Give her some dignity. My heart screamed the words my mouth couldn't voice. The cop was waving his hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention. I took a disoriented step back and felt my foot connect with the slender elegance of the body's fingers.

And so was evidence contamination number one. Grissom was not suitably impressed to discover that the shoe impression he lifted from the vitim and spent a good hour analysing was a match to mine. Given that my brain had conveniently omitted this event temporarily from my mind in the chaos that ensued with the arrival of the remainder of the forensics team, I had neglected to inform Grissom of this fact.

'You stood on the body?' Grissom asked as I sat in the break room wondering what to do next.

'Um yeah,' I replied, not recognising my own voice. The flatness of the tone being so out of character for me.

'And you didn't mention this because…?' Grissom didn't finish the question, clearly irritated by my newfound lack of cognition.

'I forgot,' I stated bluntly, not caring that evidence tampering could kill the case.

Excuse the pun. It seemed I couldn't get death off my mind. Doing this job it hardly seemed strange but I couldn't help think of her body. It would be stored uniformly in a drawer in Dr Robbins office by now. I wondered if she could breathe o.k in there which I then realised was stupid given that dead people don't generally breathe anyway. I was worried about her. It seemed so unfair to just leave her in there, cold and alone. But I didn't want to go and see her. I couldn't face it.

Somehow the automatic pilot I was now operating on managed to summon the motivation to get me up and begin to process the other evidence. I had to start with her clothes. Black evening dress, one pair of black dress sandals, one with a broken strap and co-ordinated lingerie. It made me glad that I was processing alone. If anyone else were responsible for examining her personal effects, it would have seemed wrong. She would have been so embarrassed if the task wasn't given the subtlety it warranted.

I looked through her cell phone. Messages stored from months ago brought a smile to my face. It seemed poignantly reassuring to see the value those messages had to her. My face felt hot and I closed my eyes for a moment hoping the dizziness would pass and the tremors I was now beginning to feel would not result in me completely breaking down. I managed to regain some self-control enough to open my eyes and discovered the hot sensation on my face had been the sting of hot tears, some of which had fallen onto her dress.

Evidence Contamination Number Two. This time I was conscious enough to inform Grissom, made up some lie that my eyes were watering because I had hay fever. Pretty good excuse for someone who barely felt awake.

'Greg what is with you tonight?' Grissom sighed, angrily scribbling the new spanner in the works down onto his field notes.

'I'm sorry. I found her and she was just lying there. She didn't move,' I said weakly as thought the man would even know what I was implying. I didn't really want to talk about it anyway.

'You're a CSI Greg, it's not the first corpse you've ever seen,' Grissom looked to be in a state of agitated disbelief at his youngest investigators idiocy.

That was the conversation that led to the conversation that led to me being sent home with nothing else to do but try and break the nocturnal cycle my body had grown accustomed to.

_She smiled at me but her eyes were weeping. I think she was trying to be brave for my sake. Then the tears changed from their shimmering salty transparency to crimson red and she began to scream as the flow of blood covered her face and poured into her mouth. She began to choke and I ran to save her. My feet wouldn't move, cemented to the asphalt by my own fear. I pulled and pulled as she continued to choke and the blood filled her mouth and lungs._

I exhaled heavily as I tried to still my racing heart. The room blurring into focus, I found myself reliving the events of the evening. There was no way I could sit here in the pool of sweat that was dampening my blankets and do nothing. I had to find out how the case was progressing even with my evidential contributions.

Maybe I should have explained myself to Grissom I thought as I walked sombrely down the corridor from the entrance of the Las Vegas Crime Lab towards my boss' office. He probably wouldn't have heard me if I'd tried. In Grissom's eyes there was no excuse for messing up the evidence. My mind fluttered back to the toilet incident of my first failed proficiency test. My urgency to urinate had clouded my common sense. How small I had felt especially when Hodges the resident professional jerk had put his opinion in. Asshole!

Why was I thinking about stuff like this now? There was a dead girl in there that I was neglecting. Not that I imagined Grissom would let me near her after my excellent work this evening. The faint voice of Sara Sidle reached my ears but my mind did not process what this meant.

'Griss, we got an I.D on the dead girl. Take a look at her next of kin.'

I paused as he looked in my direction and slowly made his way towards me. I began to realise the look on his face was no longer the one of irritated disappointment from earlier that night but rather of horror and shock, like he needed to talk to me but wasn't sure how to find the right words. He stopped before me; he looked as though he were almost wincing like it were causing him actual physical pain to address me. It was then I realised he knew everything.

He knew why I had clumsily trampled the victim's body. Why I had contaminated evidence with my DNA. Why I had been acting like a useless tool all night.

The tremors in my legs were back and this time they won the battle for my composure. I felt myself half stumble to the floor as I continued to struggle with my emotions, one knee hitting the cold tiles with a crunch.

To the uninformed eye it would have looked like I was proposing marriage to the portly middle aged man before me but we both knew differently.

'I'm so sorry Greg, I had no idea,' Grissom said, uncomfortably not moving or offering a hand.

In all the fieldwork and all the training I had done to get my promotion, no one had told me how to prepare for this. No one had told me what it would be like to discover a body outside of the job. Out of context.

No one had told me what I should do when the face of the body I found would be familiar. When the face of the girl staring back at me was the face of the girl I loved.

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_A/N - o.k, there you go. I hope you liked it. Apolgies for the dark depressingness (is that a word?) so close to Christmas but i wrote it anyway. I hope you didn't guess the ending too much before you got to it. I tried really hard to drop in some clues without giving it away. Anyway random moment over. If you liked this story please check out my other two 'Mutual Disaffection Pandoras box' (it has two titles cos i discovered that there was already a fic on here entitiled Pandora's Box) and 'Christmas Shopping' which is an attempt at a lighthearted look at Greg Sanders_

_Thank you and Merry Christmas. _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N - ok I followed the request of one of my reviewers and here is chapter two. there wasn't going to be anymore but i thought about it and realised i am addicted to writing_ _about Greg even if I am putting him through some shit times in this one._

_Anyway the_ _purpose of this chapter is to explain some of the relationship that Greg had with his girlfriend and look a bit more into how he is dealing with losing her. The story is still from his point of view._

_hope you all enjoy._

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**Out Of Context Chapter Two**

**© CSI Dork 2005.**

I woke up three hours later in a room that was not my own. I could hear the muffled humming of machinery and the occasional distinct shout of 'more morphine' and 'get her up to x-ray now!' I realised I was in a hospital but couldn't recollect how or why I was here.

As my eyes blurred into focus again and the bittersweet smell of latex gloves and hospital disinfectant reached my nostrils I became aware that I was not alone in the room. A faint rasping sound was teasing the air, playing a restful harmony to the shouts of the doctors and whirr of machinery. Turning to my left I found Gil Grissom sitting in a chair beside the bed, sleeping gently. I wasn't aware that Gil Grissom knew what sleep was. I always assumed he lived, ate and breathed for the lab but never slept.

A faint chuckle arose from the back of my throat at the sight of my sleeping superior. He obviously wasn't sleeping that soundly as his eyes shot open and he sat almost to attention. The look on his face reminded me why I was here. I gasped as images like snapshots taken of a crime scene flew threw my mind. Blood. Shoe. Face. My heart torn out without warning. I took deeper and deeper breaths but still it felt like I was being strangled. I had never known pain like this and I wasn't aware that it was physical possible to feel like you were being murdered by your own emotions. I could hear the autopsy report now as Dr Robbins staples up my y-cut. 'Greg Sanders, 31 years old, Asphyxia resulting from a broken heart.'

Why did I do this to myself? The love of my life was dead, lying in a mortuary drawer and still I was making jokes. Not that I voiced them. Grissom was still sitting in his chair looking uncomfortable as I continued to gasp for air.

'Are you all right Greg?' he asked, quietly.

All right? ALL RIGHT! I wanted to scream at him; of course I wasn't all right. The ground had been pulled out from underneath my feet and dropped me what felt like a thousand miles only to spit me back out again and toss me around in the depths of what was this new painful reality. I wasn't floating like a weed or finding strength in my own denial or naivety. I knew exactly what had happened to me, what it meant and that I couldn't do a thing about it. Was it normal to be so accepting straight away? Then again was it normal to be breathing like a broken bagpipe…

I tried to calm myself, tell myself I had to be strong and slowly but surely my lungs being to relax and allow the air in. Once I was sure that I was not going to say anything unfair or untoward to Grissom, I turned to him and asked the question that had been on my mind since I woke.

'What am I doing in the hospital?'

Grissom sat upright in his chair and he looked relieved that he had a question that he could confidently answer. Grissom was like that, he liked having the answers, got seriously pissed when he couldn't find them. When it came to people everyone knew he was uncomfortable with helping them deal which is why I was surprised that he had clearly been sitting here for a while waiting for me to wake.

'You had a panic attack and passed out at the lab,' Grissom explained.

'Oh o.k,' was all I could manage.

'How do you feel know?' another stupid question from the brilliant Gil Grissom.

He looked at the floor as if he had read my mind. He knew it was stupid to ask but clearly silence was not golden to him. He would rather make idle pointless chit chat than have to sit there thinking of the right words to say to reassure his CSI that stumbling over your girlfriend's body was not such a big deal.

'Why didn't you tell me?' he asked suddenly, not a question I was expecting. Surely this qualified as showing an interest in the actual event rather than tip toeing around blindly like an intoxicated ballerina.

'Didn't tell you what?' I said stupidly, like I could convince him that I had no idea what he was talking about.

'I didn't know you were seeing anyone.'

Seeing anyone? I wasn't just seeing her. I was her life and she was mine. We worshipped each other and somehow with our demanding jobs we still managed to catch an hour or two together everyday. She was perfect, her beautiful blond hair and that smile that just melted my heart every time I saw it. How can anyone understand how this feels?

'I want to go home,' I said, flatly trying to shake the thoughts from my mind perhaps in some vain attempt to convince myself that my relationship hadn't been that great. That she wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me.

'O.k., I'll go get the doctor.' Grissom stood and looked at me, patronisingly sympathetic. Or perhaps I was just being over sensitive.

As the door quietly clicked shut behind him, I let myself go. Tears running down my face so fast it was a minute or two before I realised I was even crying. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sobs so no one would hear. This was _my_ pain. I didn't want anyone else pretending to know what I was going through. Pretending to care.

_'Baby, do you want a coffee?' her voice floated acrossher kitchen with the graceful beauty that I loved about her._

_'Like you have to ask!' I called back sarcastically as I threw on my t-shirt and jogged down the stairs._

_I placed a long kiss on her lips as she turned to me with the coffee. She giggled and pulled away._

_'Careful I might spill it!' she said with a smile, that smile._

_I took the cup from her and took a sip, not taking my eyes away from her. I couldn't believe that I had something this perfect._

_'Do you really have to go?' she asked although she already knew the answer._

_'Yes, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you I promise,' I said, looking at my watch. I was already running late._

_I took another gulp of my drink and put the mug on the kitchen counter. I grabbed my jacket where it was lying discarded from the end of our date. Guess I took it off in a bit of a hurry (!)I took her face in my hands and kissed her again._

_'I'll see you soon,'_

_'I love you,' she said, her smile softening coyly._

_'I love you too,' I said and looked at her, not wanting to leave her._

_'Will you go already!' she snapped playfully. 'I have a life too ya know!' and pushed me towards the door._

'He wants to know if he can go home, I' not sure it's a good idea,' Grissoms voice pulled me out of my memory and I began swiping at the tears with my hand, trying to disguise my moment of weakness.

Grissom re-entered the room with a woman. I swear my heart stopped for a moment. The hair, the eyes. It was too close to home. I pretended to find a sudden overwhelming interest in the pattern on the floor so I didn't have to look at her.

'Nice to have you back with us Mr Sanders. My name's Dr Monroe.' She said gently.

I began to laugh hysterically. Dr Monroe. A woman with blonde hair called Dr Monroe. I clamped a hand over my mouth so as not to make any noise but my shoulders continued to shake. I didn't understand why I was laughing so much. It wasn't even one of my better jokes.

'Greg,' Grissom said cautiously like I was some kind of mental patient who might suddenly fly out of my bed and murder the entire hospital ward. I took a deep breath.

'I'm sorry,' I said, trying to suppress a smile. She's going to laugh when I tell her about this, I thought, and instantly the smile was wiped from my face. I wasn't going to tell her anything. She wasn't going to hear my jokes anymore.

'Mr Grissom tells me you want to go home,' the doctor was saying.

'It's not a case of wanting to,' I said bitterly. 'I _am_ going home.'

'I'd really like to assess you first,'

'What for?' I shot back; my manners seemed to have taken a vacation.

'Just to make sure you're ready,'

I laughed rebelliously and threw back the covers on my bed, determined that I was walking out of there with or without permission. That was until I realised I probably couldn't walk out of there in a hospital gown.

'Where are my clothes?'

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_A/N - there you go. hope it's not losing anything from the first chapter. i realise the pace of this is really slow but i'm doing that on purpose to give the feeling that Greg is having to take it one step at a time and keeps getting distracted. Hope its working. Thanks to my three reviewers so far. I was very shocked to get three reviews when i only posted yesterday. So thank you and it's your fault I have continued to write this stuff (only joking). _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N - hello, me again. I got really carried away and had to write a third chapter and I think I might finally have put the beginnings of a plot into it now rather than just focussing on Greg's misery (bless him). Anyway the story will always be from his point of view but will include some more events as he goes alongtrying to get his head around what has happened to him. _

_Enjoy_

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**Out Of Context**

**Chapter Three**

I sat on my sofa, staring at the inactive television like it was the best programme I had ever seen. Predictable but entertaining all the same. I had been sitting like that for half an hour now. I knew I should really get up and move but if I did that I would have to start thinking about what to do next and I liked not having to think.

Grissom and the Dr hadn't argued with me. Just located my clothes and let me leave. Grissom drove me to my apartment and I slammed the door in his face before he had chance to enter, offer to make coffee and sit in the awkward silence that seemed to be following us like a shadow. The last thing I needed was someone there who didn't know how to care, if he cared at all. I realised that was probably unfair and found myself no longer looking at the television.

Maybe I needed to get some sleep. Not that I thought that by going to sleep and waking up again I would find this to be a clichéd nightmare that I was waking up from. No way, like I said before, I knew what had happened to me, was under no illusions. Except now I was getting a step closer to actually having to deal with it.

Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock was getting on my nerves. Second after second of silence. Minute after minute of the blank television screen. I should be out there, looking for the bastard that did this to her. To me. To us. Grissom would never let me back on the case, I knew that. Stupid protocol. Stupid sensible Grissom. Stupid everything.

I was going around in circles now. Had to move before I became one of those tragic zombies who ended up sitting in a home just staring and going no where. I had to fight this, do something productive. I had an active mind . Couldn't sit still for long. Had to be doing something.

My car was still at the lab. I scolded myself for being an idiot by thinking of going for a drive. I walked into the bedroom, needed a change of clothes.

_'I can't get over how beautiful you are,'_

_She turned and gave me a curious look._

_'What?'_

_'Sorry, I just had to say it, in case you didn't know,' I realised I had said it completely out of the blue and it had nothing to do with the conversation we had just been having._

_She smiled and turned back to the mirror and continued to touch up her make up. I lay my head back down on the pillow and sighed, still looking at her. She caught my gaze in the reflection of the mirror and rolled her eyes at me._

_'Don't you know it's rude to stare?' she said sarcastically._

_'Well I'm just rude in general,' I shot back._

_'So, where do you want to go tomorrow?'_

_'Tomorrow?' I feigned ignorance._

_'My birthday?' she spoke slowly like I had such poor cognition that I needed her to._

_I laughed 'Oh yeah, that.'_

_Her face fell. 'You didn't forget did you?'_

_'Of course not!' I exclaimed, not believing that she would think for a second that I could forget._

_She stood up and walked over to me, placing a kiss on my lips._

_'Good, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow.'_

_'I'll pick you up at eight. Wear something nice.'_

_'Are you saying I don't normally wear something nice?' she accused._

_'Didn't you hear what I just said? I can' t get over how beautiful you are.' I said and kissed her again._

_'You're so pathetic,' she mocked. 'You're supposed to be a man, be more manly.'_

_'Yes ma'am,' I saluted her as she grabbed her handbag and left the room._

My heart pounded in my chest and I took a deep breath. Not wanting to invite the chest pains and dizziness I had felt in the hospital to return, I managed to calm myself and remember why I had entered the room in the first place. Suddenly finding a clean change of clothes seemed so unimportant. I hadn't cancelled the dinner reservation yet. I looked at the clock. It was 9am, plenty of time to cancel.The meal wasn't supposed to be until 8 tonight.

Why was she so dressed up _last_ night? Not that you could call a ripped bloody dress being dressed up. Somehow I don't think the restaurant would have let her in looking like that. Where was she going? Some kind of black cloud descended over me as I began to realise my second worst nightmare.

Was she seeing someone else?

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_A/N - der der der (dramatic music). Sorry, anyway there you go. Am attempting to put in a little twist here and there and have thought of one or two more to put in future chapters. Hopefully this story will be done by the end of this week because ihave to go home and wont get online for ages otherwise. Hope you enjoyed these chapters. Please read and review again. _


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - hey guys. here is chapter four for you. There is a little more interaction between characters in this one because I felt that it was needed and it was about time i addressed how everyone is reacting towards Greg. Also, have tried to continue with the way Greg is feeling. I really hope I'm not depressing everybody! Talk about Christmas cheer eh? Anyway hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the rest. There's a little more dialogue in this one too but it was needed.

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**Out Of Context**

**Chapter Four**

**(C) CSI Dork 2005 **

'Greg?'

I turned slowly towards the voice that had replaced the footsteps I had heard coming up the corridor. Catherine Willows stood looking at me with maternal concern. Considering I thought her to be an attractive woman, I wondered if this should disturb me. Whether it could almost be classified as Oedipal. Anyway, not the point, she was looking at me as though she was expecting some sort of answer from me but I couldn't remember the question. All I remembered was hearing my name.

'Greg, what are you doing here? You should be at home,' she said.

'Why?' I shot back. 'So you don't all have to see my face and be reminded that I am going through a truly shit time. So you don't have to feel guilty that you can't find the words to say to make me feel better!'

I was almost shouting by this point and she cowered slightly at my rage. Catherine Willows cowered? She was the strongest woman I knew. I stopped shouting and closed my mouth. It felt like I did it in slow motion as I saw the silvery coating that had appeared in the bottom of her eyes.

'I'm sorry,' I said, hanging my head and looking at the floor. It seemed not being able to look people in the eye was a skill that I was guilty of not possessing also. 'That was unfair.'

'It's o.k,' I heard her say, softly. 'I don't blame you, you're probably right but I still think you should go home.'

'There's nothing good on the T.V,' I quipped.

She looked at me and gave a small sympathetic smile like she knew I was trying to be funny to save myself from breaking down again. Not that I remembered the first break down that resulted in my hospital visit.

'Well, there's nothing for you to do here either,' she pointed out. 'Grissom won't let you work, you know that right?'

I nodded and turned my head slightly towards the way I was facing before our conversation began. I heard a slight intake of breath from Catherine as she realised what I was looking at.

'I might pay her a visit,' I said and looked at Catherine again.

She nodded uncomfortably like she knew she couldn't stop me but didn't think it was good for me all the same. There was that maternal vibe again. Suddenly Catherine Willows was becoming less attractive in my eyes.

I turned and looked at the door to the coroner's office again. I was about to take a cautious step forward when I felt Catherine's hand on my arm.

'Greg, wait, you can't go in there,'

'Why not?' I pulled my arm away; something about her tone had got my back up. How dare she stop me from doing this? How dare she stop me from saying goodbye?

'You just…. can't' she said weakly and lowered her eyes to the ground again.

Angrily, I marched towards the door ignoring her attempts to make me do otherwise. I pushed open the door and walked in. The sight that met my eyes caused me to retch and my hand clutched the nearest thing it could to support my weight. The cold steel of the empty autopsy table against my skin.

'What the hell is he doing here?' Grissom's voice faintly attacked the cold silence of the room.

'I'm sorry, I tried to stop him,' Catherine's even fainter feeble defence came back as I returned to reality and my dizzy spell subsided.

Lying on the other autopsy table was her body. Still. Cold. Grey. Dr Robbins stood over her, scalpel in hand, his face looking at mine despondently. I was sick of the sympathetic faces, like they were the ones suffering the loss. I didn't understand. They hadn't known her. Didn't care for her. Didn't love her. I took a deep breath as I stepped closer. Maybe I didn't want to see this. The sight of her torso surgically opened and examined in the way I had seen so many other corpses before.

I slowly edged my way to the table. As I got closer I realised no one was trying to stop me. Dr Robbins stood in the same spot, the same look on his face. I couldn't even hear Grissom arguing with Catherine anymore. It was then I realised she had already left and their argument had finished some minutes earlier. I hesitated and craned my neck like a child looking fearfully into a darkened room.

'Greg, it's o.k,' Dr Robbins broke the silence, startling me.

'What?' I gasped, my voice barely audible, my mind screaming - how can this be ok!

'I haven't done her autopsy yet, you can still see her if you want to.'

Something inside me gave a sigh of relief. I straightened and walked confidently to the edge of the table. Slab. Whatever you want to call it. For a moment or two I stood and looked at her. Her ashen face, motionless, expressionless. Somehow she looked different to when I had found her. I realised Dr Robbins must have washed away some of the blood.

'So what are we looking at?' I said automatically as though this were any regular old corpse.

There was no reply. I couldn't hear anyone's breathing except for my own. It was harsh but regular. I was determined to do this whether I could work the case or not. I was determined to hear the details of her last hours, what had happened to her.

'We'll send you a copy of the preliminary report as soon as it's done, Greg,' Grissom said.

'Do it now,' I demanded.

'You're not on this case Greg, you know that,' Grissom argued back.

'Yeah but you have to keep reminding me don't you!' I snapped.

'I'm sorry Greg but…' he began to defend himself.

'Yeah, well you know what? Everyone's just so fucking sorry all the time,' I shouted and slammed my fist on to the table.

'Get out Greg,' Grissom ordered firmly.

'I'm not going anywhere until…'

'Get OUT!'

'Gil…' Dr Robbins's voice cut softly through the tension

Our fighting ceased immediately at the sound of his voice. I turned to him. He had been standing so quietly and uninvolved before but now he was in control of the room without so much as batting an eyelid. . I always felt his voice reminded me of a wise old sage. Someone who knew a lot about life. Had seen some sights.

'Cause of death was a blunt force trauma to the head, fracturing the skull causing a subdural haemorrhaging.' He stated matter of factly.

'Type of weapon?' Grissom piped up having joined us at the table without another word of protest at allowing me to hear the facts.

'Probably something large and heavy, applied with a lot of force,' Dr Robbins hesitated for a moment and glanced at me. 'Death was instantaneous but she put up a fight beforehand. Look at the bruises on her palms and forearms.'

'Good girl,' I said quietly and absently placed my hand on hers before pulling it away instantly. The coldness was unexpected and reminded me that she was no longer alive.

I became aware that Grissom and Robbins were both looking at me. I glanced at the both of them for a moment and then swallowed as though it took a great deal of effort.

'Signs of sexual activity?' I asked, surprisingly calmly. I couldn't believe I was even asking this. Did I really think she had been with another man-hours before she was killed?

'I'd like you to leave now Greg,' Dr Robbins said flatly. 'I don't think it's appropriate for you to be present for the remainder of the examination. I'll let you know when you can see her again.'

'Why can't you just answer my question?' I asked bitterly.

'It's time for you to leave Greg,' Grissom reinforced Dr Robbins' request.

'What won't you tell me?' I demanded to know.

'Just get out!' Grissom ordered again, his voice rising this time.

Why was everyone shouting at me? Why did no one seem to care what I wanted? Everyone was doing what they thought was best for me. Maybe they were really doing what was best for them. Dealing with the cold hard facts rather than having to deal with me and my grief.

I turned slowly and walked towards the door past the empty autopsy table and left the cold clinical hell that was the coroner's office. I felt suddenly reminded of my own existence. Like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I realised with a sickening feeling in my stomach that I felt alone for the first time in my life.

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_A/N - poor old Greg. I just want someone to give him a hug. I hope i've still got you all interested and that you enjoyed the chapter. Five and Six are coming right up (I got very carried away). _


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N - here is chapter five (obviously). Anyway I've tried to explore a little more relationship in this one both between Greg and his girlfriend and with his colleagues. There's a lovely touching moment at the end. (Well i thought it was touching anyway) and a nice sickly soppy bit at the beginning. Thought it needed a little bit of nicety in it somewhere! _

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**Chapter Five**

_I turned the key and shut off the engine after I pulled into the courthouse. Leaning back against my seat I looked straight ahead. I hated moments like these but had no idea how to tell her. We had been together a month. Only a month but it felt like a lifetime. A lifetime in a good way. Not one of those I'm so--sick-of-seeing-your-annoying-face-I-could-kill-you kind of lifetimes but one of those your-the-most-amazing-thing-that's-ever-happened-to-me-I-can't-remember-what-life-was-like-before-you kind of lifetimes. _

'_Can I tell you something?' her voice shook me out of my daydream._

_I looked at her and saw an expression I had never seen before on her face. She looked afraid, like something awful had or was going to happen._

'_Sure sweetie, what's wrong, is everything o.k?' I spoke quickly like I was afraid myself. _

_She shifted round in her seat so she could face me without having to crane her neck and took a deep shaking breath._

'_I love you. I know it's really soon and we've only been dating a month but it's been such a great month and I can't help the way I feel I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to scare you off but I've never felt like this with anyone I realise that sounds really cheesy but I-'_

_I cut off her nervous rambling by pushing my lips against hers and kissing her as hard as I could. She seemed surprised for a moment and then pulled away._

'_Sorry,' I said. 'I was afraid you might start turning purple if you didn't breathe soon.' _

_She laughed bashfully and her face reddened slightly. _

'_O.k., I have to go or I'll be late,' she unfastened her seatbelt and jumped out of the car quickly like she was still embarrassed and needed the time to calm down after her outburst._

_I waved as she walked across the front of my car towards the entrance to her office. _

'_Hey you,' I called, sticking my head out of the window._

_She turned and looked at me. _

'_Ditto, by the way,' I smiled, pulling my head back inside the car and starting it again._

The loud rapping on my car window pulled me back into reality. I jumped, slightly startled, and turned to look at the face of Gil Grissom staring at me. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I didn't know if I could take anymore of anyone ever again. It was like I hated the world andthe world hated me. _Be more manly,_ I heard her say again Not as easy as it's sounds darlin', I wish I could say back.

'Greg, will you at least roll down the window?' Grissom asked, I wasn't sure whether he pleading or ordering. You never could tell with him.

Like it took me a great deal of strength, I hit the window button and allowed it to roll down all the way so we could speak. Well, he could speak; I sure as hell didn't feel like talking.

'We've finished the preliminary report, I thought you might like to come and see her again,' he said softly.

'No thanks, I've seen enough.' I said, honestly. I knew I wouldn't cope with seeing her like that again. I wanted to remember more of the good times. Like remembering the good times made it easier to forget the fact she had been attacked and beaten to death? I was such an idiot.

'O.k., I understand.'

I laughed scornfully but didn't say anything. Grissom seemed to ignore my attitude and continued to speak. Why wouldn't he just shut up?

'I'm afraid I have to ask you this Greg but we need a DNA sample,' Grissom seemed almost embarrassed, another thing I didn't think he was capable of.

At least this confirmed my suspicions. She must have been seeing someone and they had evidence of it, needed my DNA to rule me out as the contributor. I was already so sure of the answer but I asked him anyway.

'What for?'

'I think we should go inside,'

'I don't want to go inside, I just want to know why you need my DNA.'

'You know Greg, it's just routine,' Grissom didn't meet my eyes when he said this. He was hiding something. He knew the truth and didn't want to tell me. But I had a right to know. I felt like I was losing my mind. My inner monologue was screaming all these things at me that I would never think of before. Who had I become?

'Just come inside and we can talk about it,' Grissom said, finally meeting my eyes with a look that said he had caved and would tell my anything I needed to know.

Slowly, I rolled the window back up and got out of the car. Following Grissom like he had me on some kind of invisible leash, I said nothing and noticed nothing. I didn't even remember getting back into the building although I knew I had. Nick came hurtling down the corridor and almost bowled me over in his attempt to get to Grissom but I hardly noticed.

'Wow, sorry Greg,' Nick said, lightly and then as if realising who I was his face changed. 'Greg, I'm so sorry, we all are.'

'I've heard,' I muttered with just enough volume and hostility for him to hear.

'Greg, go sit in the break room, I'll send Sara down to get your DNA,' Grissom instructed.

Surprising myself with the lack of fight I suddenly had left in me, I did exactly as I was asked without a word. Relieved that the break room was empty as I took a seat, I closed my eyes for a moment.

'_I haven't done anything,' she pleaded._

'_Yeah, right, what's with the fancy dress, we're not going out until tomorrow night and I know for a fact it doesn't take women that long to get ready.' I shot back._

'_You think you're so funny. Maybe you should stop being so selfish and thinking the worst and be out there finding out what happened to me!'_

'_That shows how much you know! I'm not allowed because I'm too involved!'_

_She began to scream and I thought she was screaming at me when I suddenly realised we were outside where I had found her. Someone was grabbing her, pulling her away from me. She was fighting, hitting him with her fists._

'_Help me! Help me! Greg! Greg!'_

'Greg, Greg?'

My eyes shot open and I pulled sharply away from the person who was trying to rouse me from my slumber. I paused for a moment, catching my breath and came face to face with Sara Sidle and yet another sympathetic expression. Was it national feel sorry for Greg Sanders day today?

'Hey,' she said, softly. 'It's only me.'

'What do you want?' I asked.

She sat down beside me. 'Grissom sent me for your DNA.'

'Oh yeah, that.'

'I was glad he sent me, I haven't seen you and I wanted to…'

'Please, please don't tell me how sorry you are. I get it. Everyone's sorry.' I said rather harshly.

Sara gave a knowing half smile. 'Actual, I was just going to let you know that I'm here for you but if you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself then I guess I should leave.'

'Sorry for myself?' I snapped. 'What do you expect? No one will talk to me. Actually no that's not accurate. Everyone _will_ talk to me, it's just that no one will listen!'

'I'm all ears,' she said, gently.

* * *

_A/N - i hope you all liked that bit. I thought it was quite sweet but because of where i decided to end this chapter, the next one is really short and pointless but resolves something anyway and develops Greg and Sara's friendship. _


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N - ok, this is the really really short chapter but I was running out of steam having wrote two chapters straight after the other. It's quite dialogue heavy in this bit, I realise that, but Greg needed someone to talk to and in order to talk - you need dialogue! That's my excuse for this poor offering anyway. _

* * *

**Chapter Six**

I couldn't believe someone would actually listen to me. I hesitated for a moment. I was unsure of how much I wanted to say. How much I was comfortable enough to say. Sara sat looking at me expectantly. I had spent so much time wanting someone to listen and now I had the option, I was speechless. But she wasn't helping, wasn't asking me anything, trying to get me to speak.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. She rubbed it affectionately. A little more affectionately than I was used to but then I should be used to the fact by now that no one will ever treat me the same way again. Suddenly I seemed to be this surrogate son or brother that everyone felt the need to protect. Only I didn't feel protected.

'It's o.k, Greg, you can tell me anything you want to.' She said.

'Why won't anyone tell me anything?' I asked.

'How so?'

'DNA, why do you need it?'

'We have to eliminate which contributions are yours and which might be a suspects,' she said. 'You know, epithelials, the usual stuff'

'Does that include other contributions?' I asked, not really wanting to say what I meant for some reason.

'I think you know that already.'

'Well, I asked and no one would tell me.'

'Tell you what? I don't understand,' she replied, looking puzzled.

'I asked if there were signs of sexual activity and I got kicked out of the autopsy.'

'Sexual activity? You think she was cheating on you?' Sara asked in a weird way I couldn't quite interpret.

I was shocked that she had read my mind so easily. That someone at last had realised my suspicions. How, I didn't know.

'A little,' I said feebly, suddenly realising that I didn't believe it for a minute and that I had probably been reading the clues wrong.

'Why?'

'She was all dressed up but we weren't seeing each other last night because I had to work.'

'So based on one thing you assumed the worst?'

'Yeah well, I never have been much of a CSI,' I said, gloomily looking at the floor and sighing realising I had been thinking the worst of the one person I truly trusted. 'I'm such an asshole.'

'No you're not Greg, you're under a lot of stress right now, no-one can blame you for not thinking rationally but some people around here should have been more honest with you.'

'Thank you,' I said, feeling relieved that I no longer felt so alone.

'There were signs of sexual activity,' her voice was shaking a little. 'But it wasn't consensual.'

I nodded and put a hand to my face, trying to cover up the tears that were now falling. No one had seen me cry over this yet. I had been careful, didn't want them to think I was so weak that I couldn't be told anything but right now I couldn't take any more. I had been kept in the dark, left to think the worst of the woman I loved.

Sara wrapped her arms around me and held me. I didn't move but didn't push her away either. Instead I just cried even harder, giving up on trying to hide my emotions. Somehow I felt that Sara would be discreet. Not that I thought she would shout it from the rooftops but she had listened and she had been honest with me. I finally had someone I could trust.

'I'm sorry,' I managed to say between harsh painful sobs.

'It's o.k. Greg, I'm here,' she said.

* * *

_A/N - yeahI realise that's a bit harsh and nasty putting more horrible things in butI promise that's it and we will find out soon about the killer and motive (well, whenI think of one ha ha!). I thought the whole thing with 'was she cheating' couldn't be dragged out too long and there was no way she was. The whole point is that the pair of them were totally in love andI couldn't put poor old Greg through that as well now could I? Hope you enjoyed. Chapter seven coming soon! _


	7. Chapter 7

A/N - hey guys here is chapter seven. I am glad everyone has been enjoying it so far. The reviews have been great. Given me so much confidence to keep writing this that I ended up writing until hafl 2 this morning so i could get the story finished before i went home for Christmas. There isn't a lot I can say about this chapter, it's more of a filler chapter but it is still relevant.

* * *

**Seven **

Left with a strange dry feeling in my mouth, much like the one you get when you've visited the dentist, after Sara had taken my DNA sample, I had little left to do but sleep. I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to close my eyes. I was afraid that I might have another nightmare but I felt physically and emotionally drained. Loss. Pain. Guilt. It was hard work feeling these things.

Eventually it must have gotten to the point where all I could do was close my eyes and sleep. The next thing I knew, the cotton swab army that was marching towards me to extract me of my entire DNA supply blurred out of focus as one of them shouted. 'I can't believe we got the guy,' and another yelled 'not so loud. We don't know it's him for sure.'

A moment of confusion later, after I realised that cotton swabs could not talk, nor was the volume anything as loud as I had taken it to be, I discovered that Nick and Warrick were sitting at the table, talking quietly between themselves.

I coughed awkwardly, trying to swallow. I must have been sleeping with my mouth open or something because it felt dry and my throat was catching. Nick stiffened and looked warily at Warrick. Yeah, I'm awake; get over it, I thought bitterly.

'Hey man how're you feeling?' Warrick asked then rolled his eyes at himself. 'I know, dumb question.'

'I'm o.k,' I said weakly, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. 'But if I never see another cotton swab it'll be too soon.'

The two men didn't reply. Just look nonplussed having not had the same random dream that I had just had.

'Any news on the case?' I asked, getting up and walking heavy-footed to the coffee machine.

No reply. They were doing that thing again where they thought it was best not to say anything. I didn't know whether to take that as a no or as a signal that the conversation the giant cotton swabs had at the end of my dream was in fact them. That would make sense. I laughed at myself. Something in the past 24 hours was actually making sense?

I put the coffee mug I had picked up back onto the counter so hard that I chipped it. Not that I cared about a stupid inanimate object like that.

'Fine, I'll go ask Sara,' I said and walked out of the room before either of them could say anything.

_I frowned as I saw the man throw an arm up into the air and back down again in frustration. I didn't know who he was but something she was saying to him was not making his day judging by his wild gesticulating. I was afraid that he might hit her and debated whether or not I should intervene when she began to walk away from him._

_He was an average looking guy, medium build, dark hair, navy business suit. That was the first reason I didn't like the look of him. What kind of businessman wears navy? That seemed a stupid assumption to make but it was one of those odd things that irritated me for no real reason at all. Maybe he was a lawyer – that would explain everything._

_I shot out of the car so fast I didn't even realise I had removed my seatbelt as I saw Navy Suit's hand grab her arm tightly. She pulled away from him._

_'What the hell do you think you're doing?' I roared, taking his arm and twisting her out of his grip. 'You keep your hands off her.'_

_'What's it to you, pipsqueak?'_

_I flashed him my badge. O.k., technically I wasn't a cop and wasn't allowed to advertise myself as one but anything with the abbreviation LVPD on the top seemed to do the trick when dealing with assholes like this one. He backed off but looked at me menacingly. The small scar above his right eye flashed red, he was clearly angry. After a few more seconds of him staring at me and me wondering whether he was going to kick my ass, he turned and ran to his car._

_'What was all that about?' I asked her, out of breath._

_'It's nothing, just a stupid guy I used to date, thinks I'm going to get back with him,' she said surprisingly calmly._

_'Are you all right?'_

_'Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit surprised that's all. What are you doing here anyway, I thought you'd be at work.'_

_'Yeah well I took a break, thought I'd surprise you but looks like that guy beat me to it!' I quipped._

_'Well thanks for coming to my rescue. My hero!' she said with a mock dramatic pose._

I stood in the hallway, not moving a muscle. My breathing became slow and deliberate and I was aware that I might explode any minute. The faces of Sara and Grissom stood close by as I stared into the face of her killer as the cop held him by the handcuffs.

I felt like I was in the Matrix, everything seemed to be so slow and surreal. I was hardly aware of my own movements. Nor did I hear the shouts of my colleagues as I pulled the weapon from the cop's holster and pointed the barrel of the gun in the face of Navy Suit.

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_A/N - sorryI can't help leaving chapters on the worlds cheesiet cliffhangers. I hope you all liked it anyway. Keep clicking. Chapter Eight is this way..._


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N - this is a fairly short chapter but I think it's my favourite. I hope I get across with this one what I was trying to. I will explain myself in the authors note at the end. Hopefully, I built the tension well enough - that was my main aim with this chapter._

* * *

**Eight **

My grip was firm and my arm was steady as I stared into the face of the man that had taken her life and ruined mine. I breathed heavily as I kept my eyes firmly fixed on his. I could hear a strange ringing sound in my ear; my blood pressure must be going through the roof. No one moved. No one spoke. No one was trying to stop me.

The silence was deafening. I'd heard or read that phrase somewhere before. I remember laughing at it, thinking it was a contradiction of terms. But now I understood what it meant. It was like no one dared upset the balance in case I slipped and really pulled the trigger.

But I was going to do it. He deserved to die. He had destroyed the only thing I had been living for in the past six months. I don't think the others truly understood what she meant to me. Somehow, being caught up in the passion and excitement of being in love, I had never thought to mention it. Like it was too precious to share. But now the illusion had been shattered and it was all this bastards fault. I hated him with every bone in my body and I wanted to kill him.

So why hadn't I done it yet? Why was I just staring at him? Maybe I was hoping the tension would be too much for him and he'd take the gun and do it for me. Save me a job. There was that morbid humour again. I continued to stare into his eyes. Something caught my attention.

He was scared.

He actually thought he was going to die.

Perhaps that was more satisfying than actually killing him. I listened to myself. What was I talking about? My entire career was about catching the bad guy, putting the killer behind bars but now in a matter of one day I had found myself standing on the edge of a very blurred line between right and wrong.

I could hear Grissom's voice now and somewhere in my brain I registered that he had actually been talking to me the whole time. What he had been saying I had no idea.

'Greg, please, just give me the gun. You don't want to do this, I know you don't' he was now saying, his voice quivering slightly.

Even the great Gil Grissom was scared. I continued to look into the eyes of Navy Suit. Tears were streaming down his pathetic face. Did he deserve to live? Surely no one would miss such a miserable low life.

'Greg, she wouldn't want you to do this,' Grissom continued.

Now he was shifting tactic. Trying the old emotional psychology on me. Like Grissom could get into my head? He was only any good at getting into the heads of killers. But was I a killer?

'Greg…' Grissom paused; he had clearly run out of ideas.

'That's my name don't wear it out,' I said and turned to him.

I swear I heard a collective sigh of relief as I broke eye contact and lowered the gun. Then I realised the biggest sigh had come from me. I loosened my hand and listened as the weapon collided with the tiled floor with a dull thud. Much like the dull thumping I was now feeling in my head. The cop who had been leading the guy to the holding cells scrambled as quickly as he could to pick it up, probably before I changed my mind.

Turning to Grissom and Sara, I saw that the others had joined them. Their faces were unreadable. They looked afraid, a little disappointed maybe. I wasn't sure.

'I'm sorry,' I said, feeling my bottom lip begin to shake but strangely, no tears fell. Maybe I was all cried out.

I was met with a chorus of several different simultaneous responses which mostly revolved around 'no, hey, it's o.k.' and 'don't worry about it, it's not your fault.' I had to fight not to smirk at that. I had nearly killed an unarmed guy in cold blood but it was 'o.k.'.

'Grissom! I've just finished analysing the semen you found in the –' a frazzled looking Mia gasped as she jogged up the corridor.

She stopped talking when she saw me, putting on her sympathetic face also. Man, this was starting to drive me crazy.

'It's o.k. Mia, go ahead,' Grissom said, reviving his authoritative role.

'Anyway it's not a match to your suspect.' She said, avoiding my eyes.

'But the epithelials under her fingernails were,' Nick interjected defensively.

'Maybe so. He may have had a run in with her recently but he wasn't the guy who r-a-p-e-d her.' She explained.

'Mia, I have a degree in Chemistry, I know how to spell,' I pointed out and then suddenly lost my footing as the volume of her words hit me head on.

I had nearly killed an innocent man

* * *

_A/N - hope you liked that one too. Its quite short too but none of my chapters seem to be very long. I enjoy keeping them short but sweet. or in this case short and sinister but anyway. What I was trying to get across with this chapter is that Greg made the decision for himself not to kill the guy. I think in so many films and programmes, in situations like this, it's always the hero that talks the broken man out of killing someone. I think Greg is intelligent enough to make the right choice himself. That's why I decided not to have Grissom talking throughout the whole thing, trying to encrouage him to put the gun down and why Greg mocked everything he did hear him say. I hope it worked allright and that you all enjoyed it. _

_Story is nearly finished. Ended it on chapter ten - a nice round number_!


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N - ooh, you nearly didn't get this chapter. The silly thing wouldn't let me upload it. Scary! Anyway, this chapter is a bit of a filler chapter again. I have tried to explore some relationship between Greg and Grissom (platonic of course - rids mind of disturbing image) as well as explaining a couple of loose ends as well. _

* * *

**Nine **

'Whoa, Greg, you o.k?' Nick asked as he put an arm out to support my weight.

I put a hand to my head as the room spun out of control. I needed to get a grip – and fast. I was barely aware of what was going on as someone else took me by the arm and guided me towards Grissom's office. Why were they taking me there? The hand instructed me to sit in the chair and a few disoriented seconds later, I realised it was Grissom.

'Take a deep breath Greg, I don't want you passing out again,' he said firmly and as tactful as ever.

I followed his advice and the room-spinning ride came to a stop.

'Griss, I was going to shoot him,'

'I noticed,' was the wry reply.

'I could've killed him.'

'But you didn't.'

For some unknown reason, I laughed and said 'Yeah, no thanks to you.' Grissom raised one curious eyebrow at me.

'Your negotiating skills aren't exactly ground breaking,' I said with a smile, I thought I had forgotten how to do that but still it was creeping across my face with unbreakable resilience.

Grissom gave a half nod of agreement. 'The important thing is you didn't do it.'

'I heard Nick and Warrick talking. Said they'd got the guy.'

'As usual they settled on their first answer too soon.'

'I wonder who got the fifty bucks?' I said with another smile, the gambling habits of the two best friends were becoming a running joke.

'They didn't make a bet on this one.' Grissom said emphatically.

I looked at him and met his eyes. They looked tired and sad. I had never noticed that about him before. It seemed that contrary to my pessimistic belief, Gil Grissom did have feelings.

'Why not?' I said, not that it mattered whether Nick Stokes and Warrick Brown made money out of my girlfriend's murder.

The corners of Grissom's mouth upturned slightly and his eyes shone with what looked like fatherly pride as he thought about the two CSI's.

'Because this one was too important to them.'

I inhaled deeply and felt an overwhelming strength come over me. I had spent so much time thinking about how I felt. About how difficult this was for me. I hadn't stopped to realise that I had friends who cared. That the maternal looks from Catherine and the sisterly hugs from Sara weren't meant to patronise me or make the experience more unbearable than it already was. Even Grissom's apparent lack of sensitivity was over stated.

'Greg, you still with me?' Grissom asked, pulling me from my moment of analytical sentimentality.

'Yeah, yeah, I'm good.' I said.

'Good. I need to get back to work. Do you need someone to take you home?'

'No, I'm staying here.' I said. 'But I won't cause any more trouble I promise.' I added when I saw Grissom's uneasy look.

Grissom nodded and rose from his chair. He walked towards the door, stopping for a moment to give me a reassuring pat on the shoulder and then left.

I kissed her bare shoulder as the sunrise shone through the curtains framing her sleeping face. She stirred a little but didn't wake. She had lay in my arms like this the whole night and I hadn't slept a wink but I didn't care. I was happy to watch her sleep.

I smiled as I thought about how cheesy this would look in a movie. Except there would be an instrumental interlude as time skipped forward and the male lead would be better looking and be able to feel his arms. But it didn't matter to me. This was still perfect.

She startled me as she took in a deeper breath for a moment before her chest fell and her breathing continued normally. Her hair was all over the pillow, looked like she had been pulled backwards through a hedge but I didn't care. To me she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I swept back a lock of her hair and leaned to kiss her forehead when I saw the blood on her face. I pulled back suddenly…

There was a muffled thud as I fell off the break room sofa and landed on the floor. I had been dreaming again except this time, memories were becoming blurred with the nightmares.

As I rubbed my eyes and wondered what time it was, there was a soft click as the break room door opened gently. I looked up to see Sara give me a weak, cautious smile as though she was afraid she was interrupting something.

'Can I come in?'

'Sure,' I pulled myself up and repositioned myself on the sofa.

'Bad dream again?' she asked, taking a seat beside me.

I nodded. She nodded. Understood that nothing else needed to be said on the matter.

'We got him,' she said simply.

'Good,' was my equally simplistic reply.

We sat in silence. I didn't cry. Didn't feel anything. It was like I had felt so much; I had nothing left to feel. I knew I should feel relieved but I was numb.

'Looks like it was just a random killing,' Sara continued.

I looked at her and she stopped.

'Sorry,'

'It's o.k, I need to hear it,' I said, realising the look on my face must have been threateningly fierce.

'We think he may have been responsible for two other murders, one in Miami, one in Brooklyn. He got careless. His DNA was put in CODIS last month after he was arrested for a D&D.' Sara explained it to me slowly but not in a condescending kind of way.

I nodded again. It was a wonder my head didn't fall off with all the nodding I was doing.

'At least he won't be able to hurt anyone else,' I said although my heart was screaming again. Screaming that he had still hurt _her_.

The fact that no one else would have to go through this as a result of his actions didn't concern me. I wasn't anyone else. I was me and this had happened to me. It sounded selfish but I wished it hadn't been her. That it had been someone else and that I could still be with her. Wrap my arms around her. Tell her that I loved her.

'I don't know if I told her enough,' I said out loud without meaning to.

'She knew.' Sara said gently, knowing exactly what I meant. 'And she loved you too. Last night she went out with girlfriend, not another guy.'

I nodded again. I could have sworn my head felt like it was coming lose. Suddenly I thought of her parents. I had never met them, never thought of them. Did they even know their daughter was dead?

'Has anyone called her mom and dad?' I asked Sara suddenly.

'Yeah, Catherine did it while you were in the hospital. They took a flight as soon as they could. They got in about ten minutes ago.'

'They're here?' I said, sitting up and feeling my mind start to bark instructions at me.

I had to go and see them. Meet them. Tell them how sorry I was. No, I'd hated that. I'd tell them…What would I tell them? I covered my face again. It seemed I was doing that a lot. Like somehow my small, useless hands could protect me from all this.

Sara put a hand on my shoulder for the second time that day and squeezed it in the same reassuring way that Grissom had.

'I'll come with you,' she said.

I nodded and stood up, following her out of the room. Everything seemed to have returned to its normal speed. Technicians in the labs sat looking into microscopes, putting things into test tubes. Grissom sat in his office doing paperwork. We passed Catherine on her mobile, probably sorting out Lindsey's latest escapade. It was at that point I realised.

I was still alive.

* * *

_A/N - if Greg seems unusually calm in this chapter it's because I felt like it was time that he woke up, like he had been wandering around in a dream like status for some time. The incident with the man and the gun,I thought, was the peak of his emotional situation and after that he starts to come around and realise he has to move on. I hope that make sense and works for everybody. Hope you enjoyed it. The final chapter is coming up..._


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N - hello, here is the final chapter. I almost ended it with Chapter Nine, I think that may have worked quite well but me being me couldn't resist making the chapters to a nice round number and throwing in another surprise for you all. Anyway please enjoy. _

_24/Feb/2006 - sorry to anyone who just got an alert saying i'd updated this chapter. I haven't i just wanted to leave a message for all you people who reviewed to say thank you and to let you know that I am in the process of writing a sequel to this story but I don't want to post it until it is finished this time because I've been struggling to keep the style similar and I don't want to post it chapter by chapter and realise I can't finish it and leave an unfinished story on here. If anyone would like to read a sample of the story for me before I post it or give suggestions as to what they would like to see happen in the sequel, that would be so cool. You should be able to contact me through my profile. In the meantime, feel free to re-read this one and recommend it to your friends (i'd like to get the reviews up to 20 LOL) _

**Ten**

My heart pounded as I walked down the corridor. It had been a long time but everything still seemed so familiar. I didn't think I would ever be pleased to see Hodges arrogant smirk again but surprisingly I was. I gave Mia a quick wave and she smiled gently at me as I passed. There was still a hint of sympathy there but it seemed to have faded somewhat.

_The smell of the flowers stung my nostrils as I sat in her living room. Waiting. My stomach rumbled inappropriately and several mourners looked at me scornfully. Like I had done it on purpose! I was feeling irritated. I didn't know anyone here and no one knew me. There was an inaudible hum of quiet voices as people chattered amongst themselves, occasionally glancing nervously out of the window. Waiting._

_I took a deep breath and stood up, straightening my tie as I heard the words 'It's here.'_

My footsteps seemed to echo loudly as I wandered towards the locker room. Nick and Warrick greeted me with broad smiles of recognition.

'Hey Greggo, how're you feeling?' Nick asked, standing up and giving me a brotherly hug.

'Better.'

'It's good to have you back, man,' Warrick added giving me a friendly slap on the back.'

'Thanks.' I said, tripping forward slightly at his strength.

We fell silent for a moment or two. I knew they wanted to carry on as normal but weren't sure how appropriate it was yet. Two months had felt like a lifetime to me. To them it was two pay packets, no time at all.

'So, are we in for a busy night?' I asked.

'Looks like it, briefing starts in…' Nick began.

Warrick looked at his watch. 'Dude, like five minutes ago.'

The two CSI's scrambled to put their things into their lockers and headed towards the door. Nick dashed out into the corridor and took a left towards the break room. Warrick turned in the doorway and looked at me. His entire frame almost filled it.

'Dude, you coming?' he asked, casually.

'Be there in a minute,' I said and watched as he nodded understandingly.

I sighed and took off my jacket, pulled open my locker and reached for the hangar to put it on. I stopped in mid-action, my eyes resting on my CSI waistcoat.

'_You're so pathetic,' she mocked. 'You're supposed to be a man, be more manly.' _

'_Yes ma'am,' I saluted her as she grabbed her handbag and left the room. _

_I smiled to myself and listened for the familiar clunk of my front door, signalling that she had left the building. I gazed out of the window for a moment, watching the dark orange of the sky. The sun was beginning to set. It felt like it was going to be a great night. My phone bleeped, shattering the calm of my moment of contention. It was a message from Grissom. Car wreck on boulder highway. All CSI's to attend._

_I sighed, half irritated by the interruption and got off the bed, pulling on my waistcoat. I felt the left breast pocket and smiled to myself. This was too important to lose._

I looked at it, hanging there in my locker. The last time I remembered taking it off was after the car wreck investigation. Before I took a break and went to see her at home. Before I found her…My heart pounded in my chest as the numbing shadow of that night pawed around at the back of my mind, teasing me. Pretending it was going to come back and get me.

I touched the pocket. It was still there. I had never taken it out. Never used it. We never got to her birthday. The meal. It all seemed like a lifetime ago. Someone else's lifetime.

Slowly, I pulled back the tab at the top of the pocket and took out the small velvet box. I stroked the top of it absently with one finger for a moment. I debated whether to open it or not, like it contained some dangerous item that would destroy me as soon as I looked at it. Like Superman's Kyrptonite. I took the plunge and flicked the lid open.

The ring sparkled under the dim light of the locker room as I felt my heart pound even faster. The last time I had held this ring, I had been a different person. Before that night I had been whole. The night when I had lost more than I had thought it was possible to lose. The night I lost her. My best friend. My reason for living.

The woman I had intended to marry.

* * *

_A/N - there you go, story's all over. I hope you're not all too disappointed with the ending. It's not one of my favourite chapters but I wanted to show that Greg was getting on with his life, returning to work etc but also show that he wasn't ever going to forget this in a hurry. That's why I had to put in the little tragic thing at the end._

_I just want to say thank you to everyone who has or intends to review this story. It has meant a lot to me and considering I only intended it to be the one chapter, and I only started it 4 days ago I'm really happy with the response it has had. It's given me a lot of confidence in my writing. I personally thought I wasn't very good at all (if you read my other fics you will understand why LOL). _

_Anyway thank you very much, please let me know what you think of the whole thing and if you are reading this a month or so down the line, please still review if you like it. _

_Hope everyone has a great Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate at this time of year). I'd better go get on with something productive now - like uni work!_


	11. Part Two Chapter One

_A/N – Hey everyone who has been waiting for this sequel (if I can be so bold to presume that the original warranted a sequel and that you have been eagerly anticipating the arrival of said sequel. Oh well, I wanted to write one anyway) and hello to any new readers out there. Thanks to everyone who read and (hopefully) enjoyed the first story and thank you for the lovely reviews! This story has been a while in the making mainly because I restarted it a couple of times and because I've been busy and stressed with university stuff. _

_Anyway enough rambling on from me. Enjoy!_

_Ps – Hope you all had a funky Xmas (or other alternative holiday)!_

_PPS - Usual fan fic disclaimers apply! _

* * *

**Out Of Context 2**

**© CSI Dork 2006. **

Chapter One 

My eyes snapped open, the brightness of the room stunning me slightly as I took in deep rasping breaths. I tasted salty tears as I pulled the blanket close to my face as if trying to hide my weakness despite the absence of people in the room. Drawing my knees closer to my chest, I laid still in a foetal like position for some time, trying to regulate my breathing and cease the harsh sobbing. Another dream. Another nightmare. Another day.

Waking up in the midst of slumber was a common occurrence these days. On the rare occasion where I managed to sleep right through without the 'return' visits to the crime scene that had ruined my life, I still awoke with the same pain in my heart.

That wasn't to say I didn't get up and go to work every single day. In fact, I was early for every shift, mainly due to my lack of sleep; consuming Pacific Ocean sized amounts of coffee and smiling as though my life had returned to normal. An assumption that I had successfully convinced the majority of my co-workers was true. Obviously there were the odd times when I would let down my guard and an eyebrow would be raised in my direction, questioning my authenticity as a man who had lost the most important person in his life, dusted himself off and got on with it.

The majority of the eyebrow raising came from Grissom, although there was no surprise there. He would probably find a reason to be suspicious of the most innocent person, if a person like that existed. 'I'm a CSI, it's my job to be suspicious' would be his defence and no more would be said on the matter. Aside from Grissom's constant attempts to uncover the truth both in the field and in my head, were Sara's suspicions. Granted, she had considerably more evidence to base her concerns on than Grissom given that she had been the one person I had felt comfortable enough to talk to in the beginning and had been the one person I had let my guard down with whilst I was on compassionate leave.

Nowadays, though, even she didn't get any answers out of me unless it was work related. There was something, as surprising as it seemed, that took my mind off the memories, the nightmares and the grief. It was as though being able to think logically and methodically and come up with the answer to a puzzle kept me focussed, stopped my mind wandering back to images of beaten bodies and irreconcilable regrets.

As my breathing slowed back down to a normal, human rate, I wiped my face with my hands as though it were a great effort. Forcing myself into a sitting position, I gazed out of the window of my apartment. Being on the first floor meant I could still see what went on outside on ground level. My bed was always positioned by the window. It was a rather strange but conscious decision I had once made. Either that or I was just nosy and border lining on Grissom-ness by looking out of my window and watching people go by.

Shaking away thoughts of what our children would have looked like as I saw a group playing basketball in the setting sun, I climbed out of bed and prepared myself for another day of pretending that I actually enjoyed being alive.

The hot beads of water that tumbled softly over my face and drummed on the floor of the shower woke me to a more stable state of consciousness so that I could now begin organising the practicalities of my day. What to wear, what to eat for breakfast, what excuses to give for the bags that had taken permanent residence below my eyes.

The engine hummed gently as I pulled the car into my parking space in the lot at the crime lab. I gazed ahead of me as I absently turned the key in the ignition and shut the engine off. Without its innocuous rumbling I was left in silence to watch the people go by as they headed off home at the end of a laborious day shift or wandered purposely into the building, refreshed and prepared for another day of crime fighting.

I should have been like them. I had slept, showered and eaten but I didn't feel prepared or invigorated. I felt drained; like I was the dredge of the orange juice that one can never get out of the bottom of the carton.

Archie walked absently by my car as he headed towards the building. The small white headphones I could see sticking out of his ears indicated to me that my technologically savvy co-worker was cut off from the world and unaware of my presence. As if to prove me wrong, he turned and waved giving me a broad friendly smile.

'Here goes nothing,' I muttered to myself as I climbed out of the vehicle and pulled on the mask of a refreshed and naively optimistic worker, heading for another shift of crime scenes, puzzles and purpose. Eighteen months on and I wasn't sure whom I was trying to fool – my colleagues or myself.

* * *

_A/N – very short chapter there just to kind of set the scene and let you all know where the story is at with regards to the original story. Because it's so short I'm going to post chapter two right away but please feel free to review by individual chapters if you so wish._


	12. Part Two Chapter Two

_A/N – Hi. I really hope chapter one was enough to spark you interest in this chapter. This one is slightly more eventful although I don't want to say much more before you read it. See you at the end LOL!_

_PS – apologies if any of the legal stuff I mention in this chapter is inaccurate – I'm not a lawyer so don't sue me! Sorry my jokes don't get better I'm afraid._

* * *

**Chapter Two **

'Hi Greg,'

Grissom acknowledged me briefly as he scooted past me, down the hallway and into the small domain over populated with entomological paraphernalia that he liked to call his office.

Continuing on my way, only half processing what I was doing, I bumped into Warrick heading in the opposite direction to myself.

'Oops, sorry,' I muttered.

'Hey Greg, how's it going?'

If I had a dollar for every time I had been asked that question…

'Fine, I guess, as well as anyone who ever had to come and work the most unsociable hours known to man,' I said back, sarcastically.

'Ah, you know you love it man,' Warrick replied.

I resisted the urge to say I loved every second of it, especially the moment where I stumbled across my own personalised crime scene complete with a dead girlfriend.

'Hey, either of you guys know where I can find Sanders?' a loud abrupt voice I didn't recognise interrupted from behind me.

The finger Warrick pointed at me was met with a roll of my eyes before I turned to face the owner of the voice. A shock of purple and black hair was the first thing I noticed followed by a brown envelope that was unceremoniously pushed in my face.

'This was dropped off for you at the front desk,' was the casual explanation that accompanied the envelope.

'Wow, careful, you could have someone's eye out with that.' I complained jokingly.

'Dude, relax, I never heard of anyone dying from a paper cut,' she shot back.

'This is Vegas, anything could happen,' Warrick interjected, matter-of-factly.

'Whatever,' was the disinterested comeback before she did a one eighty and returned back down the corridor the way she came.

My gaze followed her for a second or two as she strutted down towards the front of the building and then disappeared around a corner.

'Who the hell was that?' I asked, only half-intending to say it out loud.

'Beats me,' Warrick said with a shrug. 'What's with the envelope?'

Glancing down at the envelope I spotted the name and address of the sender, instantly recognising it as the law firm that was representing the man who had been arrested for her murder. The firm that was trying to stop him from going to prison. Trying to ignore the increase in my temperature as my blood pressure rose, I opened the envelope and pulled the letter out, scanning the words quickly.

'Assholes!' I cursed aloud and scrunched up the paper.

'Bad news?' Warrick asked.

The look I gave him must have both answered his question and given him the cue to leave. He held his hands up in defence and walked casually away. I unfolded the letter from the curled up ball I had turned it into and re-read it.

Exhaling a heavy sigh, I turned and walked solemnly into the break room. Sara looked up from the case file she was reading and gave me a small smile as I sat down in a chair and threw the envelope and the letter down onto the table.

'Greg, are you all right?'

Apparently remaining silent after being asked a question like that was not the best possible way to keep someone out of your business. Sara was by my side in an instant, her face not contorted with concern but decorated with a purposeful but soft glare that indicated that she wasn't going anywhere without an answer.

'What's that?' she asked giving a curt nod of her head towards the rather limp looking letter I held in my hands.

'Nothing.' My reply was both instinctive and dishonest, a façade that Sara instantly saw through.

'Come on Greg, I spend my days with some of the most dishonest people in Vegas, you think that's going to shut me up?' she said lightly.

'I wish something would.' I said bitterly without thinking.

Again it seemed, silence spoke louder. Sara drew away from me. I tried to think of something I could say to take back my harsh and unwarranted outburst. Instead, the silence continued like it had deliberately invited itself into our conversation and refused to allow anyone else to speak. Sara quietly collected the files and her coffee mug together before walking towards the door.

'Sara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to –' I began stabbing at a distant hope of rectification.

'Forget it. Next time I'll mind my own business.' She said before leaving the room. The lack of tone in her voice was confusing. I wasn't sure whether she was immensely angry with me or if she was trying to be constructive. Unless removing my privilege to confide in her was her way of punishing me for hurting her feelings. Maybe it would be easier if she were a guy. Maybe then she would have just told me where to shove it and left me knowing where I stood.

'What's your beef with her?' a familiar casual voice interrupted my musings over the emotional responses of the female of the species.

Looking up I saw the same black hair, streaked with purple. She wore a curious smirk on her face as she leant against the doorframe, arms folded.

'I don't see what that's got to do with you,' I replied sharply.

'Ooh, do you just have a beef with all women, is that it?' I couldn't work out whether she was taunting me or not.

'How long have you been standing there?' I asked.

'I don't see what that has to do with you,' she was mocking me now.

My patience was beginning to become strained and I wasn't entirely sure why I was still talking to her.

'It has everything to do with me when you're eavesdropping on my conversations,' I pointed out feeling mildly victorious that I had brought this to her attention.

She shrugged her shoulders 'I'll give you that, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been listening in. I was just standing outside, I didn't want to interrupt.'

'Oh, thanks,' I said starting to feel a little foolish for being so rude towards her when I barely knew her and snooping hadn't been her intention.

She wandered over to the coffee pot and took a look inside as though she were examining the contents to make sure it was consumable.

'It's not cyanide,' I said, helpfully, smiling a little to myself.

She looked back at me raising a disapproving eyebrow at my poor attempt at a joke as she poured herself a drink.

'I'm Alanis by the way,' she said, sitting down opposite me and placing her mug on the table.

'As in Morrisette?' I asked with a smile.

'Yeah, well noticed,' she said, sarcastically.

'That's kind of ironic,' I shot back

She rolled her eyes in exasperation as my comedy routine clearly wasn't improving and took a gulp of her coffee.

'So, really, what's your beef with what's her name?' she asked again.

'Nothing, she was just trying to help I guess,' I shrugged feebly and looked down at the letter.

'With this?' Alanis asked, pointing at the paper.

I nodded.

'And this would be..?' she asked looking at me for clarification.

'A court summons from the defence attorneys to testify in a murder case,' I said surprised at how easily the words came out.

'Your first time in court?'

I shook my head, starting to feel uncomfortable. I wasn't really prepared to divulge any more details to her. She was after all, practically a stranger.

'So why is it such a big deal?' she asked sounding puzzled.

I ran my hands over my face and took a deep breath in before exhaling slowly. I began to fidget nervously with edge of the paper and I looked down, avoiding her eyes as if by saying it without being able to see her face would be like I wasn't saying it at all.

'The victim was my girlfriend.'

I expected silence, some kind of awkward projection of condolence. Instead she instantly came back with a response that I would never have predicted.

'Dude, that has to suck.'

* * *

_A/N – Hello again! Told you I'd be back. Alanis might come across as an insensitive bitch but things will become clearer later and I felt that a little comedy was well deserved given the crap I put Greg through in the last story (listen to me, talking as if I know him!). I'm going to take my medication now and ration my CSI DVD viewing for a while given that I appear to be obsessed and my author notes are starting to become longer than my chapters. I never did know when to shut up…!_


	13. Part Two Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**.

_I stepped out into the dim sunlight of the November afternoon. Straightening my tie nervously for the infinite time that day, I looked up into a sea of faces that I didn't know. They all seemed to be standing in lines, like soldiers preparing for a ten-gun salute or a crossing of swords. At the end of the line silhouetted by a low orange sun I saw the reason I was here. _

_The black car stood motionless by the road, flanked by two tall men in black suits. I was here to bid my final farewell to a wooden box surrounded by masses of flowers. Their bright happy colours taunting me, laughing at my sorrow. _

_My feet suddenly felt cemented to the ground. I couldn't face taking another step, moving this event forward. Another step forwards meant another slice of confirmation that I had to leave her behind and my life had to go on. _

_I felt a hand on my arm. _

'_Come on Greg, it's time to go.' A voice said softly in my ear. _

'_I can't do this,' I said back, my voice thick, tears resting in my eyes, threatening to spill._

'_You have to, I'll be right here with you.' _

_I turned around and took a step towards returning to the building; She placed her free hand against my chest preventing me from going any further._

'_If you back out of this, you will never forgive yourself,' she said with a gentle purposefulness. _

'_I feel like I shouldn't even be here, I don't know any of these people,' A tear slid down my face._

_She gently wiped it away and smiled softly at me. 'You know me.'_

_My face crumpled as a torrent of tears began to fall. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly as I sobbed on her shoulder. It would have felt awkward if I wasn't so overcome with grief. I swallowed back the tears and forced myself to calm down._

'_Thank you for being here Sara, I don't think I could do this without you.' _

My reaction to Alanis' casual attitude was postponed by the arrival of Grissom, instructing me to go and assist Nick at a scene. I hadn't had time to process whether I was amused or enraged by her understatement of the century. Another thing that was grating my cheese was that I had found it so easy to tell her about the court summons yet I hadn't been able to tell Sara, one of my closest friends.

That was another thing that was playing on my mind as I absently dusted for prints on a twirling baton. I needed to talk to Sara. It would never sit right with me if I were unable to clear the air with her. I knew I was in the wrong. I was also in the doghouse it seemed as Nick enlightened me with his experience of Sara.

'Hey Greggo, what'd you do to Sara to piss her off so much?' he called over as he flicked through the victim's diary.

'She's pissed off?' I asked, looking up, my hand frozen mid-dust.

'Well, she didn't say as much but I could tell she wasn't happy,' he looked at me disapprovingly. 'Man, what are you dusting?'

'Blunt force trauma, she was a cheerleader; I figured it could be a viable murder weapon. How can you tell?' I replied, holding up the baton so he could see it

'Spray it with Luminol?' he suggested.

'I meant how can you tell Sara's pissed off with me?'

'Ohh Right, she does this thing where she pretends like she's just focused on her work when really she's just trying to make excuses for the fact that she's regressed to talking in grunts to whoever crosses her path.' Nick explained his somewhat irregular theory.

'Why can't she just scream and shout at me instead? At least then I would know she's mad at me,' I muttered, picking my bottle of Luminol up out of my kit and spraying the baton.

'Beats me, chick thing I guess.' Nick shrugged.

'Hey,' I said triumphantly, holding up the baton that now displayed an array of pink splodges. 'I was right.'

'That's a chick thing too,' Nick said, pointedly.

'What?' I frowned, not catching his drift.

'Always being right.'

Not particularly impressed with Nick's insinuation that I was a woman, as much as it was a joke, I had proceeded to bag and tag the murder weapon in silence still musing over what I should do to repair the situation with Sara.

Arriving back at the lab, I was still in Greg Sanders land as I wandered down the corridor towards DNA, suspected murder weapon in hand. So far I hadn't come up with any worthwhile gesture of apology that I could give to Sara for being incredibly dense and ungrateful after all she had done for me. Somehow a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates didn't seem to make up for the fact I had spoken to the one person I had relied on in my time of personal crisis as if she were a piece of scat on my shoe.

'Walk much?' a disgruntled voice snapped angrily as I felt my shoulder connect with something hard.

I looked in front of me to see Sara rubbing her forehead.

'I'm sorry, are you all right?' I asked bending down to help her collect up all the papers I had caused her to drop.

'I'm fine,' she said with the same lack of tone as she had had in the break room earlier that shift. Clearly, a little bump in the corridor was not going to make her forget my shortcoming in a hurry.

She looked up at me briefly before continuing to gather the rest of her papers together. In incredibly clichéd timing, my hand touched hers as we both reached for the same sheet of paper displaying some DNA results. To my surprise, her cheeks reddened slightly and she pulled her hand sharply away from mine like I had given her an electric shock and she returned to a standing position.

'Seriously Sara, I'm sorry for what I said in the break room. I didn't mean it. I appreciate you trying to help me I really do,' I said in one last desperate attempt to clear the air before she walked away again.

'I'm not bothered Greg, words are just words,' she said casually as though her rapid exit had been perfectly normal and non-resultant of my verbal attack.

'Oh,' was all I could think of to say in return.

'So what's with the twirling baton, you taking up a new hobby?' she asked with her familiar playful smile.

I laughed. 'Nah, cheerleader got murdered, found blood on it. Think it might be the murder weapon.' I explained.

'Well that's original,' she said sarcastically.

I smiled and nodded, watching her as she set off on her way down the corridor, relieved that we seemed to have returned to normal speaking terms and that there was no sight of hostility threatening to rear its ugly head.

* * *

_A/N – this chapter doesn't need much discussion. I was mainly using it to explore the friendships Greg has with his fellow CSI's although the little funeral flashback at the beginning was to show that although it was some months ago, Greg's mind still wanders back._

_I hope you all liked the little Greg/Nick at the crime scene part. I thought I would try and throw in a tiny bit of comedy again as this story is intended to be lighter and I could see that playing out in my head. Then again I do have a particularly unique sense of humour that not everyone understands!_ _Please R&R, as you deem necessary._


	14. Part Two Chapter Four

_A/N – Aren't you lot lucky? You're getting two for one on chapters this week! LOL sorry there's my odd sense of humour again. Hope you are still enjoying the story so far. Apologies if it seems to be going a bit slow this time around. It's because the main event happened at the beginning of the first story so it's not following a normal story structure._

_There's a lot more dialogue in this chapter than previous ones I've written but I thought it was necessary to get across the information so please bear with me. Again, apologies if any of my courtroom stuff is wrong. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter Four**

'So you admit, Mr Sanders, that you were allowed to process the crime scene of the deceased despite your involvement with her?'

My heart thumped hard in my chest. 'No, not exactly.'

'And is it not true Mr Sanders that you tampered with the scene, contaminating vital evidence?'

The defence lawyer leered smugly at me as I squirmed in my seat. I despised every second that I sat in the witness box, trying to avoid looking at the people before me. The lawyers, the judge, the jury, her killer. Like a pack of vultures just waiting for the opportunity to pick at me, at every little detail of my being. As I sat there I couldn't help feeling that I would have more luck as a rotting carcass than I did now of convincing everyone that I hadn't made a complete mess of this case.

'I did not tamper with the evidence. There were two instances where I inadvertently came into contact with the evidence. Each of these instances were documented appropriately in the case notes.' I said, surprised at the confidence in my voice but still harshly aware that my heart was beating at an unhealthy rate and my hands were beginning to shake almost as hard as they had after the lab explosion a couple of years before.

'So what you are telling me Mr Sanders is that you were present and involved in the processing of the crime scene despite being emotionally linked to the victim.'

I didn't understand why he insisted on overusing my name. If it was some kind of scare tactic, an attempt to make me feel uncomfortable, he was wasting his time. I had been uncomfortable the minute I entered the building.

'Yes.' My voice was strained and sounded distant, like someone else had spoken.

'Isn't that unethical? Shouldn't you have made your supervisor aware that you were unfit to work the case? Shouldn't you have taken leave like any normal person and allowed your colleagues to work the case?'

'I – I guess,' I stammered as I felt myself being pushed closer and closer to the edge of a very large metaphorical hole that I would not be able to climb out of.

'I put it to this court that you deliberately failed to mention your relationship with the victim so that you could plant evidence incriminating my client.'

'Objection your honour, the defence is merely speculating.' The prosecution interrupted as my mind swam, panic coursing through me as the realisation hit me that the defence might actually be doing a good job of throwing my integrity into disrepute.

'Sustained, please make a point,' the judge ordered the defence lawyer, a polite way of allowing him to keep hounding me but in a more sensitive manner, like a lawyer knew how to be sensitive.

'Mr Sanders-'

'I was the first on the scene, I discovered the body. I failed to mention my involvement with her because I was in shock. I went to surprise her at home,' I interrupted the lawyer so suddenly that he was too shocked to object to my outburst. My voice shook as I continued. 'I found her lying on the ground, dead. I want whoever did this to her to be punished. I have no reason to frame an innocent man.'

The lawyer stole a cautious look at the jury as if assessing their emotional response to my heartfelt testimony, analysing how he might turn their empathy to his advantage. I closed my eyes for a moment and inhaled a large breath.

I couldn't see her face but I could tell something was wrong. Her shoulders were hunched and she was taking the mugs and coffee out of the cupboard as though she had no motivation for doing the task of preparing a drink for us.

'_Elizabeth, what's wrong?' I asked after several minutes of contemplating whether this was one of those hormonal moments where it was best to leave a woman in peace or something more serious. _

' _I need to talk to you about something,' she said, not turning around but not making the drinks either. _

'_O.k.,' for some reason I didn't move from the sofa, just sat in trepidation waiting for her to continue. _

'_You know earlier, when I said I loved you?'_

'_Yeah?' I smiled thinking back to outside the courthouse earlier that day and the way I had felt when she had said it._

'_I need to take it back,' _

_I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. She was taking it back? Was a declaration of love something you could recompense? I looked from the floor where I was staring into space in disbelief back to where she was standing by the counter._

'_Well you can't take it back, I won't let you,' I said._

'_I didn't mean it, it's too soon to feel that way about anyone.'_

_I stood up, raising my voice slightly. 'You said that this morning but you didn't take it back,' I protested._

_She didn't answer, continued to stare at the empty coffee mugs with her back to me. I was lost for words. I loved her enough to be upset about this but too much to get angry with her. A quiet gasp from her drew me from my moment of egocentric disappointment and alerted me to her shaking shoulders. She was crying._

'_Elizabeth, what's wrong?' I asked, moving swiftly towards her and turning her around so that I could look into her tearstained, mascara blemished face. 'What is this about?' _

_Something told me there was more to this than us only being together for a month and it being too soon to fall in love. She wiped her face, turning her panda eyes into spidery splodges. _

'_I promised myself I wouldn't do this with anyone again,' she said quietly._

'_I don't understand,' I said, frowning, trying to work out what I had missed._

'_Last time…last time I said I was in love I got burned.'_

'_What? Where?' I asked in shock._

_She suppressed a smile despite her tears. 'Metaphorically you idiot.' _

'_Oh,' I calmed slightly. 'Sorry.'_

'_He said he loved me too and that he was always going to be there, you know the usually crap that guys spill…'_

'_Hey!' I interrupted, defending the team._

'_No offence intended. Anyway a month or so down the line we got into a huge fight and…' she paused as her bottom lip trembled. _

_I rubbed her shoulder supportively, wanting her to continue but not wanting to force it. _

'_He hit me.' Her lip trembled even harder this time and tears fell fiercely down her face. _

_I pulled her close, breathing in the scent of her hair. It made me angry inside that anyone had hurt her, surprising me that I felt so unconditionally protective towards her. _

'_He's not me,' I said firmly. 'I'll never let anything or anyone hurt you.' _

I held my head in my hands, my usual pose, as I sat on a sofa in the break room trying to rid my head of the memories and trying to convince myself that I hadn't let her down in court. The lawyer had continued his attempts to demoralise me and have any evidence thrown out that he could. In the end, the judge had almost ruled that her dress could not be taken as reliable evidence, as it was contaminated with my DNA. Fortunately, the prosecution had pointed out that due to my involvement with her, there was a viable reason for my DNA to be on any one of her belongings.

My luck hadn't been particularly long lasting however, with the arrival of Sara as I returned to the lab and took up residence on the sofa.

'You got called into court – why didn't you tell me?' I couldn't confirm whether she was angry or concerned for me. Once again she had an ambiguous tone that didn't make situations like this easy to deal with. Either way, it had got my back up.

'I don't have to tell you everything!' I snapped, wishing I could just be left alone in the state of solitary torture that seemed to be my life.

'Maybe not but I would have appreciated a heads up. I don't get you Greg, one time you were quite happy to talk to me. What is it, now you don't need me anymore, you forget I exist?' she was really fuming now. I half expected bursts of steam to expel from her ears like a cartoon from the fifties.

'Give me a break, do you want me to spend my days moping around being depressed so that you can have some kind of morbid satisfaction that you're doing some good in the world by providing me with a shoulder to cry on?' I shouted, angrily, standing up and coming face to face with her.

Her discouraged look and subsequent exit led to me sitting down on the sofa in the aforementioned head holding pose with nothing to do but wonder how spectacularly bad my day had been and how it could ever possibly get any worse.

'Is your head falling off?'

I looked up but didn't respond to Alanis' joke. She smiled as though she were trying to emit invisible beams of sunshine that would solve everything and placed herself beside me on the sofa.

'I just figured you were holding onto it so tightly that it might be coming off,' she tried again.

'Al, I'm not really in the mood,' I said glumly.

'Ooh, addressing me colloquially now? I must be special,' she said sarcastically.

I smiled and rolled my eyes. In the week since the court summons, she had seemed to appear at random intervals, usually speaking with less tact than Grissom had. I was beginning to wonder if she actually did any work around here. She was meant to be on the front desk, taking calls and filing paperwork yet she seemed to spend most of her time bouncing around the lab like a curious puppy, looking in on whatever the CSI who fell victim to her presence was studying and asking a multitude of questions.

'You're ok I guess,' I shot back in jest, allowing a smile to creep across my face.

'It knows how to smile!' she said dramatically, putting a hand to her head as though she were an actress in an ancient silent movie preparing to pass out.

'Not bad for someone who feels dead inside, huh?' the smile vanished from my face when I realised how bitterly honest I had been.

She went quiet for a moment.

'Sorry, I'm having a bad day, I just had another fight with Sara'

'What about?'

'I didn't tell her I had to go to court and she wasn't significantly impressed.' I explained still feeling a twinge of anger and frustration that things were going so badly between us.

'Maybe she just wants you to open up. You know, it's o.k. to talk about it,' she said, with gravity I had never heard in her voice in the short time I had known her.

'I don't want to. You know, I never even mention my girlfriend by name. It's like I've got my guard up all the time and by acknowledging her as a real person it…' I stopped talking, couldn't believe I was admitting any of this to her, I wasn't sure I had even admitted this to myself yet.

She stood and headed towards the door prior to turning around and looking at me with a small smile on her face.

'You know, you look good in a suit,'

I smiled as she removed herself from the doorway and disappeared from sight. Suddenly I felt slightly less bitter about being dead inside.

* * *

_A/N –aww I like that flashback. Sorry, had to be said. Hopefully the flashbacks are giving little clues to the things that are going on inside Greg's head and how he's feeling. That was the idea anyway! Please keep reading and reviewing so I know you all want the next two chapters posting up. _


	15. Part Two Chapter Five

_A/N - hi all. sorry i've taken so long to post this up. I've been really busy working and trying to finish my degree! Anyway here's chapter five. Enjoy. _

* * *

**Chapter Five. **

The sun shone brightly as I left for work early the next day. It was getting towards early evening but there was a lot of light left shining through the clouds in the clear dusky sky, splitting into parallel rays before joining together again illuminating the tarmac. Returning the basketball that collided with my car windshield to a group of apologetic ten year olds, I climbed into the car, flicked on the radio and began the ever so familiar drive to the Las Vegas crime lab.

I was still humming the Marilyn Manson track that I had subjected the streets of the city to full volume treatment with as I walked into the building, bag slung over my shoulder.

'Evening Grissom!' I called down the corridor as I spied my boss talking to Archie at the door of the AV lab.

'Evening Greg,' he replied, an air of caution in his voice.

'Someone's been taking their meds today,' Archie quipped.

'I heard that!' I turned and pointed accusingly at him as I passed on my way to the locker room.

Judging by the quick exchange of wary glances between Nick and Warrick followed by their sudden exit from the room, they were more than a little bemused by my jovial mood. Sara wasn't quite so quick on the uptake as her head was buried inside her locker.

'Hey Sidle, whatcha doing?' I asked, dumping my bag on the bench and opening my locker.

Judging by the raising of her left eyebrow and her lack of verbal response to my over amorous greeting, Sara was still sufficiently annoyed with me to warrant another day of not speaking to me other than to compare field notes. It seemed to be a common occurrence lately that Sara and I would exchange words and be cast into an atmosphere of curt conversations and deliberate attempts to be indifferent towards each other. Her exit from the room deflated my irregularly positive attitude that I had entered the building with that evening and set my mind turning the usual vicious circle that it did when it didn't want to face up to reality.

_I unsuccessfully suppressed a yawn, receiving disapproving looks from the two solitary people who stood in the corridor as it echoed loudly. I rolled my eyes guiltily and looked to Warrick who was eyeing me suspiciously with an open case file in his hand._

'_What?' I asked, straightening my tie and shifting my shoulders uncomfortably._

'_Didn't get much sleep huh?' he said knowingly._

_I turned away so he couldn't see my face, looking out of the window onto the parking lot of the courthouse, enjoying the fact that he couldn't see me smiling proudly to myself. _

'_Yeah you know it was one of those nights, I just couldn't relax.' I said, giving the most pathetic excuse known to man. _

_Warrick nodded acceptingly and returned to looking over his case notes. I turned to face him again when I saw her walking up towards us, a pile of papers in her arms. She spotted me and smiled coyly as another woman walked alongside her barking orders angrily into a cell phone. I sent a wink quickly in her direction as she passed, maintaining eye contact with me until she couldn't crane her neck any longer without looking suspicious. _

'_Hey, looks like you've got an admirer!' Warrick said with a grin having looked up from his reading a few seconds previously._

_I smiled and cocked my head to one side as though I were impressed with this 'new' information._

'_Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste,' Warrick quipped and returned to the file._

Sitting down on the bench I sighed as I remembered the days where not having enough sleep was due to more enjoyable circumstances and wondered why I had managed to sleep so peacefully last night. There had been no nightmare, no waking in floods of tears or gasping for breath. There had been nothing. In an odd way I was almost disappointed, like I had become so used to it as if my emotional responses reminded me I was still a functioning human being, albeit slightly more dysfunctional than functional.

The sudden tapping of footsteps outside the room was replaced with an anticlimactic 'oh,' bringing me away from my thoughts and drawing my attention to the doorway. Alanis stood, slightly out of breath, shoulders hunched looking slightly bedraggled. Not that that was particularly different to any other day. She often had her hair hanging in rough loose curls, cascading down the latest punk t-shirt she chose to wear with her two sizes too big combat pants which I was duly convinced were the only pants she owned and far too young for a woman in her late twenties to wear.

'What's up?' I asked, zipping up my backpack and preparing to load it into my locker whilst trying to maintain a relatively cheerful tone despite the memory that was stabbing at my heart, taunting me as though it were dying for me to break.

'I heard you were in a really good mood and I figured it was a once in a lifetime occurrence so I thought I'd better come see for myself,' she said sarcastically. 'But you're clearly still insanely depressed judging by the look on your face.'

I sighed and slammed the locker door hard, resting my forehead against the cold metal, the sudden thought that it reminded me of her hands when she lay in Dr Robbins office a year and a half ago felt like a brutal punch to the stomach.

'Greg, are you all right?' Alanis' voice had that rarely heard but genuinely concerned tone to it.

I shook my head but didn't speak. I was tired, physically and mentally, of everything. It seemed like I was up and down, the latter being the more common state of my mind. Taking a deep shuddering breath in I willed myself not to do this, to remain calm and not break down. A skill I had maintained for so many months now. A skill I suddenly no longer seemed to possess.

'Hey c'mon, just let it go,' Alanis said.

I was surprised at how close her voice was to my ear. I hadn't realised in my angered stated that she had taken me in her arms and was holding me whilst I cried, my tears wetting the shoulder of her prized Green Day t-shirt which seemed a ludicrously small detail to be concerned with at that point.

'I'm sorry,' I said, pulling away as my typical smokescreen washed over and I tried to make like everything was fine.

'Don't worry about it,' Alanis smiled weakly and rubbed my arm in an affectionate manner that I wasn't used to but felt reassured by all the same.

'No really, I'm sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable,' I sat back down on the bench needing the support for my trembling legs.

'What you mean is you're the one feeling uncomfortable,' she gave a small knowing smile and sat down beside me.

I looked down at the floor feeling like a small child who had been caught out in a serious breach of the ground rules.

'I know, I'm good,' she laughed lightly. 'So, you wanna tell me what that was about, other than the obvious?'

I looked up briefly at her. She had a small compassionate smile on her face and was looking at me expectantly.

'Things are just getting to me that's all. It's like I'm trying to rebuild myself and be strong and then all of a sudden I'll remember something about Elizabeth and it's like someone yanked out a cornerstone or something.'

Her smile widened as I finished my little rendition of how intolerably difficult things had been just lately. She seemed amused but she didn't say anything.

'I know, it's a terrible analogy,' I said, feeling a little irritated that she seemed to be laughing at me after I had been so honest with her.

'No it's not,' she shook her head.

'Then why are you smiling like I just told a really funny joke?'

'You tell a joke? That'll be the day. Actually I was thinking about the conversation we had yesterday…'

'And?' I interrupted sharply not the slightest bit more understanding of the inner workings of the mind of the strange woman that sat beside me.

'It's just interesting, that's all,' she gave me a pat on the back and stood up, walking towards the door.

'What is?' I was more than a little confused now.

She turned and looked at me for a second.

'I think you just let your guard down.'

* * *

_A/N – and so the healing begins. Or does it? Not a lot to say about that chapter really Think I've got bored of trying to justify my interpretations of what's happening – I'm leaving it up to you to decide what you think. We all read into things differently. As long as it leaves you with a positive feeling that's all I care about. Please read and review. _


	16. Part Two Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

'_I think you just let your guard down.' _

'Greg, dude, that stuff don't come cheap you know!'

Nick's sarcastic remark brought me back from replaying the locker room incident of earlier in the shift in my mind. I had been spraying phenylphaline on a plank of wood like there was no tomorrow. I threw it down onto the ground.

'Negative for blood,' I stated uniformly before scanning the rest of the area, camera in hand.

'You don't say,' Nick's voice trailed away as he wandered over to the other side of the crime scene.

Trying my hardest to focus on our crime scene and look for clues, I kept seeing Alanis' face smiling softly at me, uttering the same words over and over again. She was right – I had let my guard down. For some obscure reason that I couldn't fathom, I had never mentioned Elizabeth by name to anyone. It was as though my secrecy about our relationship was something I was trying to maintain or protect like I felt that no one could identify with her or who she was because they didn't know her like I did.

Being the insufferably analyst that I was, I wondered what this meant. Was I starting to genuinely move on rather than the moving on I had been doing for the benefit of everyone else so that they didn't have to feel awkward or obliged to catch my tears?

A bloody sneaker by the side of a wooden fence caught my thoughts for a moment. I clicked the shutter on the camera several times and pulled an evidence bag from my pocket. As the laces fought to go into the bag my mind began to wander again. Why had I opened up to Alanis? She seemed to have a knack for extracting information from me without asking for it – she'd make a great interrogator. I smiled to myself as I finally got the laces of the shoe into the bag, picturing her in the interview room at the police station.

'Sanders, what is with you today?' Nick gave me the shock of my life as he appeared behind me.

Well, maybe not the shock of my life, the award for that would go to…

'Well? Dude, what's going on? You're spending half your time staring at evidence and showering bits of crap with Luminol. Some of us have processed everything alone and would like to get something to eat' He sounded pretty annoyed.

'Sorry Nick, I'm just a little distracted today.' I stood up, closing the evidence bag and scribbling my initials on the seal.

'By who might I ask?' Nick's irritation seemed to disappear at the opportunity to tease his junior CSI.

'It's whom and I have no idea what you're talking about.' I argued, heading towards the car.

'Well, you waltz in to the lab in a good mood, grinning like a Cheshire cat. I just figured that you were thinking about a new young lady in your life perhaps?' Nick said still trying to wind me up by engaging in an act of platonic banter.

'Think what you like.' I snapped flatly as I threw the bagged sneaker into the trunk and slammed my kit down next to it before heading towards the front passenger seat.

'Greg, I was just kidding with ya,' Nick said repentantly when he hopped into the drivers seat a moment later.

'Sorry, I didn't mean to rip your head off. It hasn't even been two years since…' I trailed off, resisting eye contact and gazing out of the window as he started the car and pulled away from the scene.

'Let's go get something to eat,' Nick said in a brotherly tone that I had never heard from him before.

_'It's beautiful up here,'_

_I noticed the lights of the city reflecting a little in her eyes as I stole a quick sideways glance at her as she looked over the view. _

'_I know, I used to come here all the time when I was a kid,' _

_She looked at me, eyes wide. 'Aww, really?'_

_I laughed a little. 'Nah, I'm not from Vegas.'_

'_Then why'd you say it?' she eyed me with a playful suspicion._

_I shrugged my shoulders. 'I just figured it was one of those cheesy romantic movie moments. You know the guys always say 'I used to come here all the time when I was a kid'' I said, putting on a mock macho man voice._

'_And why do they say that?' she asked, turning to me and smiling._

_As if I didn't feel like a dork already. I wished I had never said anything. So far, the whole evening had gone brilliantly, we had talked non-stop over dinner. I was relieved, I hadn't been this nervous on a first date since college. _

'_Umm, I don't know, maybe they're trying to show off their sensitive side or something,' I hazarded a guess and looked down at the floor, kicking randomly at a pebble, feeling mildly irritated that I had managed to come crashing back down in true Greg Sanders style. 'Maybe they're just trying to impress the girl' I added hoping in vain that I might have saved myself from complete idiocy._

_I looked up and sighed, watching the lights of the casino's and hotels twinkling in the night, laughing at my lame jokes and the way this date was heading south at a spectacularly rapid rate. The touch of her warm skin as her hand slipped in to mine made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. _

'_It must have worked. I'm impressed,' she said quietly as though she herself were almost embarrassed to say it._

_I turned and looked at her. She smiled awkwardly and looked to the floor. Her cheeks had flushed slightly pink. For one of the few times in my life I was speechless. I needed to think of something to say in return and fast. _

_In the end I did the only thing I could think of – I kissed her. _

I wasn't sure whether I ought to feel awkward as I sat in the diner with Nick. He sat sipping at his coffee, eyes silently scanning the menu. He hadn't said as much but I had a feeling he wanted me to talk to him. It felt outlandish to even consider it. We were both guys and as much as I hated to admit to the stereotype – guys don't like to talk to each other on an emotional level.

'So,' Nick said breaking the silence and setting his coffee cup down.

Oh oh here we go…

'So what?' I said.

'Talk.'

'About what?' I feigned ignorance gazing out of the window.

'You know what, don't play dumb with me. What's bothering you?'

'I don't want to talk about it, it's fine,' I said, taking a gulp of my own coffee pulling a face at the lack of richness that I wasn't habituated to.

Nick sighed and drummed his fingers agitatedly on the table for a moment or two.

'O.k., after I got buried…after I got buried alive I freaked out at insects and I wasn't a big fan of the dark.' Nick spoke quickly, pausing hesitantly at times. 'It took me a while but I slowly started to get used to it but sometimes… if I let my mind slip… I can see myself back in that box…' He took a deep shaking breath in '…and sometimes I dream that you guys didn't make it to me in time,' he stopped talking, his bottom lip had begun to quiver a little towards the end and I was unsure of how to adapt to this situation. We had never done anything like this before.

'Nick, I…' I stopped, couldn't think of anything to say.

He took a deep breath and blinked his eyes before looking at me. 'Your turn.' He said simply.

I considered criticising his tactic telling him he was being selfish but then I realised the things he had just told me he had confided in me. It wasn't information that he had revealed to anyone before. They were harshly personal thoughts and feelings that he had clearly been harbouring beneath his friendly demeanour for some time. It was a sneaky tactic to get me to talk but far from selfish.

Sitting silently for a moment, I contemplated the best way for me to say what was on my mind. It had taken me long enough to work over it in my head like an overbearingly difficult Chemistry problem. I was unsure of how much I actually wanted to tell him. I had only just reached the conclusion myself on the drive to the diner I and wasn't even sure it was the right one at that.

The strained, mildly impatient look in Nick's eyes told me to say something to balance out the confessions so that he could relax again. I nodded and exhaled sharply as though I were preparing myself for a blow.

'I think I'm falling for Alanis,'

_A/N – cue dramatic music. Ha ha no I'm only joking. Just before you all start thinking 'Oh that was so predictable I'm not reading this trash anymore' stop and wait a bit for the next few chapters. It isn't over til the fat lady sings as they say. Although I don't think I'm featuring any fat ladies in this story unless you include me but I'm not in the story, I'm just writing it and rambling on at the end with boring authors notes. Anyway. I hope you liked that chapter and that the Nick and Greg conversation was nice. Thought it would be interesting to build up a bit of their friendship. Anyhow, read, review and read on my fellow CSI addicts…! _


	17. Part Two Chapter Seven

_A/N - I was going to just post a couple of chapters at a time but seeing as I've completed the story and it's taken me long enough to post it up, I'm just gonna post the lot. Enjoy and thankyou for reading this far you lovely people._

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**Chapter Seven **

'_You bastard, how could you do this to me? Did I mean anything to you?'_

_She screamed loudly, roared even, as she continued to push me and beat me against the chest with her fists. I struggled with her; trying to take hold of her arms to end the painful blows she was delivering to me with a great force I never thought capable of a woman. _

'_Did you even love me?' _

_Her voice was so high pitched I wondered how I could still hear her. Surely that frequency was only audible to canines and bats. She hit me across the head as I randomly contemplated the pitch of her decibels._

'_You're not even listening to me! Typical! You said you'd always protect me and that no one would ever hurt me' _

_She pushed me hard and my feet slid from under me, allowing me to fall to the floor. I looked up at her, holding a hand above my face to block the light that was shining in my eyes. I could vaguely see her silhouette as she started to take some steps away from me._

'_All you've ever done is let me down Greg; I thought you cared about me. Hell, I even thought you loved me. I guess that makes me a fool then.' _

_She fell silent. I watched as I saw her hand rise up towards her face. In the same split second that I heard a sickening crack I realised she was holding a gun in her hand. _

'_Elizabeth!' I tried to scream her name but my mouth wouldn't open as she lay on the floor in front of me. _

_Her hand cast to one side, the gun lay limply in her post-mortem grasp. I tried to cry but still my mouth wouldn't open and no sound came out. Slowly, I tried to move towards her but stopped as I felt something wet. I lifted my hands up to where I could see them. They glistened in the dim light. They were covered in her blood._

The nights of sleeping peacefully with the absence of nightmares had been short lived. Staring up into the blank ceiling of my bedroom, I took in sharp shallow breaths as the images of the dream began to dissolve but the theme remained. My bed felt damp with sweat and the sun shone a familiar late afternoon glow through my curtains reminding me that I would soon have to motivate myself and somehow manoeuvre my body into the daily ritual that would turn me into a semi functioning human being.

My confession to Nick had been met with some surprise both from him and myself. I was surprised at how it sounded out loud and he was equally astonished that his goading as we left the crime scene hadn't been totally unfounded – a lucky guess.

After Nick had managed to stop opening and closing his mouth in between utterances of 'oh' and 'umm' with a 'well…' thrown in for good measure, he had offered his advice. It was an interesting and, again, unfamiliar experience with him. It was like having an older brother, someone I could trust who wasn't going to be pissed off if I never confided in him again.

'It's fine, it's not a big deal,' he said helpfully.

'Not a big deal?' I repeated incredulously. 'This is so inappropriate.'

'Why?' Nick shrugged his shoulders passively.

'For starters, we work together,' I protested gesturing so wildly I nearly sent Nick's caffeine fix flying across the table.

'Technically you don't, she's a secretary, not a CSI,' Nick pointed out, instinctively protecting his coffee mug from me.

'Besides, it's not the right time,' I said, lowering my voice slightly and looking down into the swirling depths of my own coffee.

'Dude, just take her out on a date. It's not like you have to marry her or anything. Just ask her out, go on a date and see how you really feel about her.'

'It's not the right time,' I said again, quietly. 'It's only been eighteen months since…'

'Greg look at me,' Nick ordered. I refused, continuing to watch the lone instant coffee granule that hadn't dissolved as it swirled madly around the top of my drink.

'Look at me!' Nick said louder, more forcefully.

Aware that one or two people were looking in our direction, I obeyed and raised my head. He looked at me firmly with sympathy in his eyes as he spoke.

'Eighteen months is a long time.'

I sighed and ran my hands over my face as the alarm clock began to bleep, instructing me to get my solemn ass out of bed and do something constructive with my day other than moping over sadistic nightmares and analysing how everyone I knew had changed so much towards me since Elizabeth had died.

Leaning to one side and reaching over, I hit the alarm clock on its head to cease it's incessant bleeping and slowly pulled myself out of bed. I sighed as I thought about what Nick had said.

'Eighteen months is a long time.'

A long time for what? For grieving? For being alone? For being committed to one person? I shook my head irritably as I headed for the shower, trying to work out what Nick meant and what I should do about the realisation that I had crush on someone new. Maybe he was right, maybe eighteen months was too long for whatever it was too long for. I sighed, fighting with the guilty feeling of betrayal that was occupying my mind as I made a decision.

She strutted obliviously into the dim break room mug in hand which she placed on the counter as she checked the progress of the percolator. Giving a slightly fractious sigh as she realised it wasn't quite ready yet, she began to drum her fingers on the worktop, nodding her head to whatever song was playing through the headphones that were nestled discretely in her ears.

I watched her for a moment or two wondering whether I should make my presence known or continue to amuse myself with her not knowing I was in the room. I decided I could no longer put off what I had chosen to do.

'Shouldn't you be answering the phones or something?'

Alanis jumped in surprise, knocking her coffee mug to the floor where it dispersed noisily into a number of porcelain fragments.

'Jesus, Sanders, you scared the life out of me!' She exclaimed, composing herself for a second before crouching down to pick up the pieces of her mug.

'Sorry,' I said, walking over and helping her to retrieve the remaining rubble that had been her mug.

'My poor man mug,' she said dramatically.

'Huh?' I said, densely.

'It was my man mug, it had a picture of a man wearing very litt -…'

'Is this a penis?' I interrupted, abashedly holding up a small shard.

'Yeah, poor guy,' she said, taking it from me and adding it to the pile she had already accumulated in her hand. 'What are you doing scaring people like that anyway?'

I stood up, wondering how to say what I had rehearsed in my head several times on the journey from my home to the lab. Throwing the pieces in the bin to hide my reddening face, I returned to my seat on the sofa where I had been sitting in the dark.

'Um, I need to talk to you,' I said, picking up a random forensics journal and pretending to skim the pages.

'That sounds ominous,' she replied, placing the remaining mug shards in the bin and joining me on the sofa. 'What's up?'

Instinctively, I moved away from her slightly as though I were subconsciously preparing for a quick escape. She eyed me suspiciously.

'Come on, spill it. What do you wanna talk to me about?'

'Nothing, I wanted to ask you something.'

'O.k., shoot,' she said, reaching over me and picking a newspaper up from the table.

I held my breath as she leaned back and began scanning the front cover of the paper. 'Can I buy you dinner sometime?' I said quickly as I exhaled.

'Sure, I never say no to a free meal,' she replied, not looking up from the paper. 'When are you taking your break?'

'No,' I said, realising she hadn't caught on to what I really meant. 'I mean I like you and I want to take you out.'

I would have laughed at myself if I weren't so nervous. I sounded like a high school science geek trying to ask out the head cheerleader though I doubted somewhat that Alanis had been a cheerleader. Meanwhile, I had proudly epitomised the term 'science geek'. Alanis lowered the paper and looked at me, eyes wide.

'Wow, when you let that guard down you really let it down, huh?' she said.

I looked at the floor. She thought it was inappropriate. Why did I have to go and follow Nick's advice? I should have at least sought a second opinion. From whom? Sara wasn't talking to me and Warrick and I never were ones for personal chats.

'Sorry, it doesn't matter I'll see you later,' I said standing up and sprinting to the door, hoping for an exit into a world that wasn't as awkward as the one in the break room. Maybe I could find Nick and kick his ass for telling me to ask her out.

'Greg, wait a minute!' she called, stopping me in the midst of my escape route. I should have just carried on and pretended I hadn't heard her.

'Is tomorrow afternoon good for you?'

Smiling, I opened my mouth to respond when from the corner of my eye I spotted Sara walking towards the break room door where I was standing. She looked up, saw me and attempted to make a detour so that she could avoid me and continue on her way. My heart dropped into my stomach with the awful feeling that came with not talking to Sara.

'Sara, wait, please,' I said, pleadingly.

She sighed but paused, silently waiting for me to speak again. I looked at her sadly; I didn't really know what I could say to make things better. It was like having a bad itch that nagged at you constantly and no matter how you scratched it, it just made things worse. Standing silently in a corridor inventing poorly constructed analogies wasn't going to solve matters either.

'Can we be friends?' I said feebly wondering if I actually deserved what I was requesting. 'Please.' I added hopefully.

Sara looked at me for a moment or two as if trying to assess whether I was truly hurting and whether or not she should put me out of my misery and ease up on the awkward atmosphere between us. I could feel myself getting more and more pessimistic the longer she left it and was about to give up and walk away.

'Greg, I'm sorry,' she said suddenly, stepping closer to me.

I frowned, a little puzzled. 'What do you have to be sorry for?'

Sara sighed and put a hand on my arm, looking at me softly. 'I've been too hard on you, you were right, you don't have to tell me everything.'

'No, you were trying to help and I threw it back in your face again,' I said.

'Let's forget about it and carry on as normal o.k, I realise that you must still be finding all this difficult…' she paused and looked at me.

I avoided eye contact, hoping that she wasn't expecting me to open up. To my surprise she put a hand on either side of my face and forced me to look at her.

'You are one of my best friends. I hate to see you like this, knowing that I used to be able to help you and now I can't,' she said gently her voice cracking a little.

Feeling slightly guilty that I appeared to have been causing her some stress, I put my arms around her waist and hugged her for a moment or two. I must have been holding her longer than she felt comfortable with as she cleared her throat and pulled away from me.

'I've got some samples from my crime scene if you wanna come and give me hand,' she suggested, changing the subject in a way that was about as subtle as a flying brick.

'Sure,'

I smiled at her and immediately followed her down the corridor towards the layout room. Things seemed to be looking up, I felt like we had finally lain something to rest and the bickering could end. Perhaps if I hadn't been on such a high from clearing the air with Sara I would have remembered that I had been arranging a date with Alanis some two minutes before. Perhaps if I hadn't been so happy that I had my best friend back, I would have noticed the way I left her sitting in the break room without saying goodbye. Perhaps then I would have noticed the informed look of disappointment on her face.

* * *

_A/N – hmmm? I quite like that chapter. Hope you all did too. I was trying to make it a bit more lighthearted with Alanis and her strange ways. I hope you all liked the ending of that chapter. It's probably given you a really major clue now as to what is really going on. Please read and review as you deem fit. _


	18. Part Two Chapter Eight

_A/N - here's another chapter. i hope you're still enjoying the story. I hope the dream sequences make sense. I was thinking about the idea that our dreams represent our hopes and fears and feelings and decided to keep going with it. I hope it works o.k and that this dream sequence is a little eerie because that's how I imagined it. _

* * *

**Chapter Eight **

_All I could see was darkness. For a moment I wondered whether a power cut was to blame for me sitting in obscurity. I seemed to be alone but couldn't remember where I was, how I had arrived here and what I was doing here in the first place. Maybe I had been at a crime scene and managed to get stuck in a victim's basement, that would explain the lack of light. The door must have blown shut, trapping me in here. I must have hit my head on something – that would explain my amnesiac state. _

_I looked around the space, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness secretly wishing I had listened to my mother and eaten more carrots as a child. Realising that was the least of my worries, I tried to get up from the floor but my legs wouldn't move. Oddly, I didn't begin to panic. I wondered if I had befallen a fate similar to Nick but still my breathing remained steady and constant and my heartbeat continued to pump at a healthy rate. _

_Looking across the room I spotted her sitting on the floor some three feet opposite me. She sat with an indifferent expression on her face. As she became aware that I was looking at her a small sad smile crept across her face. She looked pale and her eyes were sunken in but she looked as beautiful as I remembered. _

_I tried to open my mouth to say something to her, tell her I was glad she was here but it wouldn't open and no sound came out. She continued to smile at me in that sad regretful way as a solitary tear fell from her left eye. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, let her know that I was there and that everything was all right but still I couldn't move. _

_The time we spent sitting and looking across at each other seemed to last an eternity. It was as though she had control over me and didn't want me to come closer, touch her, kiss her. I couldn't work out why she was crying; I hadn't said anything to upset her. _

_Her pale face seemed to be getting more ashen. I watched, confused for a moment as I realised she was disappearing slowly. Fading away like an old scar. I reached towards her suddenly gaining control of my limbs again._

'_Wait,' I managed to whisper as I saw more tear s fall from her eyes._

_She shook her head mournfully at me as she finally disappeared from sight leaving me sitting alone in the room. _

The sudden knocking on my front door snapped me out of the hauntingly real dream I had been participating in. Taking a moment to adjust myself to the fact that I was really sitting on my sofa, television remote in hand and not sitting frozen in a pitch-black room trying to talk to a ghost, I began to process that someone was at my door and I really ought to answer them.

Blearily making my way from the living room to the front door, I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to clear my vision as I reached the door and opened it. I was surprised to see Alanis standing before me in the rain; her purple and black hair hanging limply in bunches, her teeth knocking together in the chill air of the Las Vegas weather.

She smiled weakly, her teeth continuing their battle to warm up their host. I stood for a moment, not saying anything, trying to remember if I had invited her over and forgotten all about it. The last thing I remembered was waking up too early for work and sitting down to watch T.V.

'C-Can I come in?' she suggested at last.

'Of course,' I replied finally coming to my senses and realising it wasn't the best social etiquette to leave a visitor standing outside in the pouring rain.

I stepped away from the doorway as she scampered in and closed the door behind her.

'Let me take that,' I said, helping her to remove her sodden jacket and hanging it up.

'Thanks,' she said, continuing to shiver.

'How did you find me?' I asked, realising I had no idea why or how she had gotten here.

'Personnel files,' she said with a mischievous smile that suggested to me that she didn't exactly have permission to go looking for my address although she had access to it working on the front desk.

I laughed and walked into the kitchen to make her a hot drink. She followed me quietly, scanning the room, taking in her surroundings.

'Nice place,' she said sounding a little counterfeit as she looked and saw the piles of washing up by sink and the laundry that was piled up by the machine.

'Thanks,' I smiled. 'It takes a lot of hard work to keep it looking this good,'

She rolled her eyes and smiled appreciatively as I handed her a cup of coffee. I tried to avoid saying much more about the state of my apartment. It hadn't always been that untidy, my effort had somewhat deteriorated when I had found myself with bigger things to worry about.

'I think you need a girlfriend,' she said matter-of-factly, walking into the living area and taking a perch on the arm of the sofa.

My memory finally started doing it's job as it occurred to me that I had asked her out and she had accepted. I couldn't remember when we had agreed to meet though. Maybe I had stood her up and that was why she was here.

'God, I'm sorry Greg, I didn't mean to take the piss,' she said, suddenly. 'Well, I did but not in a morbid your- girlfriend- is- dead kind of way. Oh crap I'm doing it again…'

She must have interpreted my facial expression wrongly as I tried to work out what I seemed to have forgotten and thought that she had offended me.

'No, no it's fine, I was just wondering what you were doing here.' I explained, interrupting her failing attempts to rectify herself and walking over to stand opposite her.

'Oh, I want to talk to you,' she said quietly and looked at the floor.

If there was one thing I knew about Alanis, it was that she wasn't afraid to speak her mind but she seemed to be feeling awkward like she was going to find it difficult to speak. She took another sip of her coffee and shivered. I wasn't sure how to respond to what she had said so I tried to change the subject.

'Let me find you a change of clothes,' I said, noticing that she was actually soaked to the bone.

'I'll be fine,' she said dismissively.

'I'm sure I can find something you could wear,' I insisted, unintentionally ignoring her, and headed towards my room.

Reluctantly she followed me as I waded through some of the junk that was on the floor to reach the wardrobe.

'Sorry about the mess,' I said, my voice sounding muffled as I looked through the racks of clothing I seemed to own, searching for an old t-shirt.

'Greg, really, I'm not that cold, I just want to talk to you,' Alanis protested, sitting down on the end of my bed.

'Will this do?' I asked, holding up one of my old shirts from back in the day when I was an ugly-shirt wearing lab rat. 'Just until your clothes dry.'

She nodded silently and took it from me, giving a firm jerk of her head when I didn't turn away. Apologising bashfully I turned away and engaged in a staring contest with the wardrobe, trying to ignore the fact that I could see a glimpse of her reflected in the mirror and was intrigued by the tattoo on her lower back. Scolding myself for invading her privacy I blinked and looked at the floor wondering what I could do about this incredibly awkward situation I now found myself in.

'I'm done,' she informed me before I had chance to scrutinize my position any further.

'Oh,' I muttered, turning around to see that my shirt seemed to have miraculously grown three sizes when she put it on.

'How do I look?' she asked, jokingly sitting back down on my bed after placing her jeans on top of the radiator.

'Good,' I laughed slightly and sat down next to her. 'So what did you want to talk to me about?'

She looked down for a moment, picking at the fingernails on one hand with the other. My mouth felt dry and my heart beat sharply as I took the fingernail picking hand in mine and she looked up at me.

'Al, what's wrong, you're not exactly acting like normal.'

'Define normal,' she said with a small smile.

'Loud and tactless,' I stated.

Rolling her eyes, she gave a little laugh and glanced towards the floor again. I couldn't decipher why she was trying to avoid eye contact with me so purposely.

'I wanted to talk about our date,' she said at last with little expression in her voice.

'Was I supposed to meet you somewhere today?' I asked guiltily, realising that I must have but it had completely slipped my mind.

'No no,' she shook her head. 'We didn't arrange anything, you were busy.'

Muttering something that sounded like 'oh' I realised I was still holding on to her hand which was weird. I hadn't made such an intimately personal gesture towards someone for what seemed like a lifetime. It might not have been as big a deal as falling in love with someone else but to me it felt like I was learning to ride a bike again for the first time after having a terrible accident. Deciding that was an awful way to describe my interaction with Alanis, given that she was not a bike, I chose to break the silence that had settled between us again.

'So you want to talk to me about our date although we never arranged one and I didn't stand you up? Forgive me, I'm a little confused,' I said as lightly as I could, sensing that I wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable.

'Oh God, ummm…' she paused fixing her eyes on the carpet for a second, making me wish I had been more thoughtful about not putting yesterdays underwear in the laundry basket, and then looked up at me. 'Greg, please don't take this the wrong way but I don't think we should go out.'

'Oh…O.k.…' I stammered slightly and then gave up trying to add anything mildly intelligent to my response.

'I'm sorry,' she said, sliding her hand away from mine.

'Don't be sorry,' I said feeling somewhat disheartened as my brain began to process what she had said. 'You said yes yesterday.' I added aloud without meaning to.

'I know and it's nothing personal, it's just –'

There was something in her eyes that made me think she was genuinely upset about it which concerned me a little given that she was the most upbeat person who worked at the crime lab.

'What is it? You can tell me,' I said gently. 'Is it something I've done?'

'No, I don't think you really want this…me,' she said smiling weakly.

'Of course I do!' I protested, surprising myself with how adamant I sounded. 'I really like you, it took me a lot to admit that you know, it's not exactly something I'm entering into lightly.'

I must have sounded a little harsher than I intended to as her eyes glazed over and she avoided my face again.

'I know,' she said quietly 'but I think you're confusing being a good friend with someone with being attracted to someone.'

'I think I know the difference,' I said, lowering my voice.

'There is no way that I can even begin to understand what you've been through and I'm not trying to pretend that I know what's going through your mind but I know that what's between you and I is just friendship. You're ready to move on and be close to someone again but I'm not that person.'

My mind was racing, I was so confused. I had been so sure that I liked her and wanted to have a shot at being with her but now she was saying these things, putting doubts in my mind. I considered for a moment that this was her way of letting me down gently but cast that thought aside when my knowledge of who she was told me that she wasn't callous or manipulative enough to use my bereavement as a way of getting herself out of an awkward predicament.

'But I can talk to you. I've spoken to you about things that I've found hard to tell my closest friends when I barely knew you,' I said wondering if this was a vain attempt to change her mind or to convince myself that the feelings I thought I had were justified.

Alanis stood up and removed her damp jeans from the radiator, pulling them on underneath my borrowed shirt. She smiled at me and picked up her top.

'Sometimes we find it harder to open up to the people we care about the most,'

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_A/N – not much else to say about that chapter except I hope the dream sequence made sense and portrays what I wanted it to. I'll leave it at that. Things are coming to a close soon. Only two more chapters to go…_


	19. Part Two Chapter Nine

**Chapter Nine**

Smiling to myself I wondered how I hadn't realised this before. Alanis had left my room without another word, leaving me to muse over what she had said. I had spent so long feeling like there was no point to my life other than grieving for Elizabeth and going to work. It was a vicious cycle I had allowed myself, understandably, to fall in to. Now, it was as though I was ready to break the cycle yet I had an incomprehensible sense of trepidation at what I was about to allow myself to do. To let someone in. For real.

I would have been deceiving myself if I had said I wasn't scared. I was about to implement a decision that would change the way I had been living the past year and a half. One small step, one giant leap for Greg-kind. Trying not to laugh at how bad the jokes of my inner monologue were, I focussed on what I was going to do. Making jokes when I was nervous seemed to be some kind of defence mechanism I had harboured since my college days. My sense of humour had, admittedly, wavered somewhat since the murder. Suddenly, there hadn't been that many things to laugh at anymore.

'Hey you, here's your shirt back,' Alanis awoke me from my thoughts as she ambled up the corridor towards me, a small smile on her face, my shirt in her hand.

'Thanks,' I said, absently taking it from her.

'No problem…' she trailed off when she saw where I was looking.

I felt a pang of guilt as I saw the smile fall from her face. She tried to rectify this expression of her emotions by forcing the smile back on but she only succeeded in making herself look like she was suffering from some kind of abdominal discomfort.

'I'm sorry,' I said.

She looked at me with a gentle frown. 'Don't be stupid, you've nothing to be sorry for.'

'I feel like I kind of led you on,' I explained foolishly wishing I had never said anything to her in the first place then none of this would be happening.

'I led myself on,' Alanis said with a tone that suggested I shouldn't disagree with her. 'I should have noticed a little sooner. Besides, I probably landed myself in the same trap as you did.'

'And that would mean…?' I smiled, not understanding her.

'Thinking you liked someone when really you liked the relationship you had with them. I was new here and it was nice to have someone to connect with, you know?'

I nodded at her explanation. I knew exactly what she meant and understood everything we had discussed the day before at my apartment. I wasn't falling in love with her. I never had been. She put her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

'Go for it,' she whispered in my ear before releasing me and heading back to the front desk.

Exhaling as if trying to increase my confidence, I pushed on the door to the locker room and walked in. Wondering if it were a lucky coincidence or whether Alanis had sneakily orchestrated the lack of other people in the room, I smiled at Sara and quietly opened my locker. She smiled back and continued to tie the laces of her sneakers. Trying to think of what to say to initiate the conversation I had been rehearsing in my mind ever since I worked out what Alanis had meant yesterday, I began to absently move things around my locker, pretending to look for something.

'See you in minute?' Sara asked as she prepared to leave the room.

Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her! My mind instructed me like a nagging old spouse as the opportunity to tell her what I intended to tell her started to slip away. My heart started to thump nervously in my chest as I looked at the clutter inside my locker.

'I need to talk to you,' I said, my voice muffled through the steel door that was open beside my head. It was as though by hiding next to it, she wouldn't hear me and I wouldn't have to explain anything to her.

'What's wrong?' Sara asked quietly concerned, sitting down on the bench behind me.

The phrase 'no turning back now' had never been so appropriately employed. I continued looking into my locker as if not looking at her meant this was going to be less awkward than it already was.

'There's some stuff I need to tell you,' I began. 'And I'm sorry I haven't told you any of this before.'

'Greg, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to,' she said, clearly thinking I was feeling forced into confession in order to maintain the strength of our friendship.

I turned to face her and shook my head. Adrenaline seemed to be taking over me as I realised how deeply I felt for her and that I needed to let her know even if she never returned my feelings. Reaching into the back of my locker, I pulled out a photograph that I had kept hidden in there since Elizabeth and I had first started dating, and sat down beside Sara.

'This is Elizabeth,' I said.

'Yeah, I know,' Sara said with a sad smile reminding me that she had been the one who had identified her before discovering I was the next of kin.

'Oh yeah I forgot about that,' I said with a light laugh.

'Where was this taken?' she asked.

'About a month after we started going out, I managed to negotiate a weekend off and took her away.' I smiled, remembering the trip that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Sara nodded and smiled understandingly at me. As she looked back at the photograph, I stood up and took something else out of my locker.

'She was pretty,' Sara said quietly.

'Yeah.' I agreed equally as quietly. 'I know I haven't spoken to you about her much since the murder but I need you to know that I think about her a lot. I don't think anyone ever realised how much she meant to me and how I felt about her.'

Sara put her hand on my arm as I sat back down.

'I might not understand exactly but I know by the look in your eyes.' She said looking at me. 'You miss her.'

I nodded fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes and reveal my weakness.

'I do and it's been hard and I'm so sorry that a lot of my anger was taken out on you in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't work out why I didn't want to talk to you, it just seemed to be really hard.' I tried to explain whilst feeling as though my words were just strung together to form a pathetic excuse.

'Hey, you're a guy. Guys never talk,' Sara joked; giving a small smile that suggested she might be starting to feel a little uncomfortable with how open this conversation was becoming.

'Anyway, I want to tell you something that I haven't told anyone else and probably never will tell anyone else,' I said, my hands were starting to shake and my palms felt sweaty as I toyed with the object in my hands.

'O.k., as long as you're sure you want to tell me,' Sara looked at me a little warily but didn't try to talk me out of it as though something in my tone and my expression indicated to her that I had made my mind up.

I took her hand and placed the object I had been holding into it. She remained silent as she looked at the ring box for a moment or two before slowly opening it. The simple diamond ring looked plain as it sat in the box. A year and a half ago it had seemed to sparkle with anticipation and excitement at the prospect of it's purpose. Now it sat redundantly in the box, no finger to sit on, no spot to warm for a wedding ring.

'I was going to give it to her as a birthday present,' I explained, as Sara remained silent, looking at the ring. 'The day after she died.'

Sara looked up at me, her eyes shining, holding back tears of sympathy for me. I smiled weakly and shrugged my shoulders as if to say it didn't really matter anyway when we both knew that it meant everything. It made the already horrendous circumstances I had found myself in that day even more tragic.

'Greg, I'm so sorry,' she whispered. 'I thought you were crazy about her but I never realised…'

'It's o.k,' I said, taking the box back from her and replacing it in my locker.

I stood looking at it for a moment as I thought of what to say next. It was like performing a play with no script and no rehearsal. There was a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I was doing something wrong. As much as I was ready to take the step, the guilt was still overwhelming enough to make me hesitate, question the morality of what I was going to do.

'Why are you telling me this now?' Sara asked. 'Not that I'm complaining, its just that it's a huge thing that you've told me and…'

She stopped as though she wasn't sure what she was trying to say.

'You're wondering if there's a reason behind it other than wanting to be honest with you?' I asked, smiling and sitting back down next to her.

Sara nodded 'I guess.'

'I wanted you to understand how I really felt about Elizabeth and that I will probably never forget about her or stop loving her in part.' I began to explain, hoping that saying this wouldn't affect her response to what I would say next.

'Of course you won't, no one would expect you to,' Sara said emphatically.

'The thing is,' I said looking away from her, jiggling my leg up and down with unease. 'I've developed feelings for someone and I want to try and make a go at things with them.'

Sara remained silent for what seemed like a lifetime, looking at the floor and not making eye contact with me.

'Alanis?' she said finally, no indication in her tone of whether she was surprised or pleased. The lack of aforementioned tone made me hopeful that perhaps she felt something towards me too.

'No,' I said simply, still hesitating to say what I had been intending to say ever since I had walked in to the locker room. 'You.'

If I weren't so nervous, the look of absolute disbelief on Sara's face would have made me laugh out loud. I didn't say anything else, just continued to look at her expectantly, wondering if I had been wrong to think that she might feel something back towards me. After a moment or two of excruciating silence, she made eye contact with me, and placed her hand on the side of my face. Her eyes scanned my face for a second or two before she leaned towards me.

'He's going down! The bastard's going down!'

Nick's abrupt and noisy entrance jolted Sara and I away from each other as he slammed the locker room door open and flung his arms wide as if just announcing that he had won the lottery. Sara didn't look up to the excited Texan that stood drawing attention to himself so I decided to address him instead.

'Nick, what are you talking about?' I was a little confused, mainly because I had been so engrossed in talking to Sara. It was as though we had created our own little world in the slightly less romantic setting of the crime lab's locker room.

'The jury came back on your girlfriend's case…' Nick began to explain.

'Elizabeth, her name was Elizabeth,' I corrected him, curtly.

'Sorry. Anyway, guilty as charged. Judge gave him life,' Nick said with a smile.

* * *

_A/N – ahh things had to start looking up soon didn't they? I could only put poor Greggo through so much angst and the murderer had to get sentenced so we could have some kind of happy ending! Anyway it aint over yet…read on people. _


	20. Part Two Chapter Ten

**Chapter Ten **

Closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath of the warm summer air, I reflected on how things had changed in the past fortnight. The conviction seemed to come at a convenient time. It was a relief, not a solution, but enough of a compensation to gain a small ounce of closure so that I could begin to feel less guilty about things as I tended to do most of the time recently. Also, Sara's surprising uncharacteristically bitter response of 'too bad he didn't get the death penalty' inappropriately lightened my mood.

It was reassuring to know that my mistakes in the first few hours of her death hadn't ruined any chances of putting her murderer behind bars. Somewhere, I hoped she was watching, was at peace that justice had been done. I couldn't think of a less cheesy cliché that would still be appropriate. What were clichés if not to be cheesy? Wherever she was, I hoped she was happy.

Looking over the bright green grass as the sun hovered low in the sky, I thought about the past week and how I had changed. The nightmares had stopped. No longer were my feelings of loss and guilt and helplessness haunting my dreams in the sickeningly graphic metaphorical way that they had been of late. In a way it felt like I had forgiven myself.

The last dream I remembered having where she faded away from me and I couldn't reach her still played on my mind. It was as though I were preparing myself for a life without her but still trying desperately to hold on, comfort her in the way I hadn't been able to in her last few moments. Not being there to save her took my breath away every time I thought about it. Something I tried not to do too often.

Despite my new lack of nightmares for which I was grateful, I still had something I needed to do. Taking a deep breath I continued to walk across the grass towards my destination, the demon I had come to face.

_My heart pounded in my chest as though it were trying to escape. It was a familiar feeling, one of fear, anger and sorrow all rolled into one. Taking small steps across the grass as the rain drizzled down, I followed the wave of mourners that followed the minister like a dutiful sombre army with no desire but no other choice than to follow._

_The words spilled from the man's lips as he told us of her life as though he knew her and she had meant something to him. Tears of anger wet my cheeks but I did nothing to cast them away. This was my moment to grieve, to say goodbye. Except my mind was screaming at me. She wasn't really gone. It was all a bad dream. _

_As her coffin was lowered to the ground, the rain continued to drizzle around me, masking the tears that continued to flow. No one looked at me, no one spoke. It was as though acknowledging my presence would emphasise what they had lost also. _

_My knees began to buckle and a weak hoarse whispering cry of 'no' fell on deaf ears as her coffin disappeared from sight. I began to feel as though I were falling, following her into the hole in the ground. The touch of another person's hand in mine stopped my fall. _

'Hey, how you doing?' Sara asked, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

I smiled and nodded, clasping my hand around hers in return, grateful for the support and loving the feel of her hand against mine.

'It's just the first time I've been here since the funeral,' I said. 'Brings back some scary memories.' I considered laughing bravely but knew that it would be lost on her. She could see through me quicker than a suspect at a crime scene.

'Do you want some more time alone?' she asked quietly, looking ahead.

I shook my head and looked at the headstone in front of us inscribed with Elizabeth's name and a morbidly remorseful memoriam beneath that her parents had chosen. I chose not to read it, looking instead at the flowers I had placed in front of it. They weren't much of a token for what she meant to me but I had no original ideas. Flowers meant I had been here, silently asking for her blessing.

I turned to Sara and smiled at her.

'I've had enough time alone.'

The End

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_A/N – I know, I know cheesy ending but I don't care. The story is finally over. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as you seemed to enjoy the first part. Personally I think part one is better but I still enjoyed writing part two and attempting to crossover the flashbacks and dreams with what Greg was feeling and what was happening to him. It's hard to write what is in your head sometimes but I hope the flashback in this chapter blended into the reality in the way I pictured it. The idea was that he was gradually letting go of things and moving on. _

_Anyway i have some more ideas in the pipeline for new fic's and i've started another one featuring Greg although I am tempted to have a go at writing about another character. I have some plans for Nick and Sara! But at the minute i keep writing one really good chapter and then I can't move on. _

_I may remove my first fan fic from here because I don't like it. I hadn't written anything for a really long time and it all came out being over dramatic and ridiculous to be fair but practice makes perfect and hopefully I've redeemed myself somewhat with this one. _

_Please review and tell your friends if you enjoyed this story. Thank you! _


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